Sunday, October 30, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Go Away....
Are you FREAKING kidding me???
This mantra repeated over and over in my head as I slammed my hands into my steering wheel and hot tears streamed down my cheeks faster than I could shut them out. This really is like a really awful, awful breakup. One that you just cant get away from.
It was hard enough that Im struggling to find happiness at my new job. Management is sucking the life out of me. Everything that holds me back, everything that makes me frustrated with my day, I can look back and say "wow it never would have been that way at my last job". Its harder, knowing that the NFL season is coming up... and a day that I used to look forward to, Im eyeing with a mix of dread and anticipation, knowing that its going to bring back the pain a bit. Part of me hates that something so simple as watching a sport that was once fun, will now be a little bit of a stab over and over.
This evening was a full on rollercoaster. I found out that my old company hired one of our PE's. I knew this PE was changing positions internally, as I knew he was frustrated with management. I could tell he was reasonably smart, but he is not always the best communicator, and struggles in some areas. Nice guy, but not the best PE/PM I've ever worked with. And he just got a job with them. The company that deemed me unworthy of any of their jobs. I started thinking back to all the Koolaid I drank, how Dr. Bose really cared about people as individuals, and how he and management often saw in people what they were capable of, rather than what their resume said. Yet this guy I work with was hired because he had worked with China. A bullet point on his resume. A fucking bullet point. There I said it. Maybe this is why they let me go. I'm too emotional, Im too open. They'd rather someone who doesnt rock the boat. They'd rather someone who doesnt challege or put emotion into their work. I get it. Its oddly something I had worked on and gotten better at, but now I feel like I must be failing and regressing. I blamed my emotion at Bose for the fact that I was pregnant for 9 months of my time there. What an awful time to be making a new impression. I know that Im a good PM, a good decision maker. My former boss told me that, and I can even see it in how Im starting to make decisions in my new job. But that's near impossible to quantify on a resume or in a review or in a list of people that are going to get laid off. Who cares?
And thats what gets me... As my head reeled, and this guy pressed me for "give me some details, what will it be like, what should I watch out for, can I have some pointers". All I could think is WTF? That should be ME, not YOU. As I go back and forth wondering if I could really do it, if I could really go back without feeling like a second class citizen and constantly watching my back, part of me is insanely jealous. The culture that I loved, the job that I enjoyed, the people that I worked with, the boss who was the best in my career... all gone... and he gets to have it. WTF.
I rambled on about their new VP of Engineering... the guy who was once the head of our division... who was amazingly smart and always asked perfect to the point questions... the guy who saw no value in my skills... The guy whom to which I was just a number... just a number, in a culture that was so about people. WTF. Im so mystified. A culture that so cared about its people that it cut a TON of good ones. Shut down its only remaining US manufacturing, exported its US call center, and then sold off the rest of its plants. To the way of the outsourcing they go. Its all about the money, all about the business. They try to say they are about innovation, but they are not. How could they be about innovation and people when all they are are "fast followers" and their people are "just numbers"? Yet I yearn so badly to be back there. I dont know why I guess. I couldnt trust anyone there anymore anyway. But would it be better than where I am?????
Tonight, I threw out my Bose cup... the one I earned in my six sigma class. Think about that... how much time and money did they invest in training me... me a useless number? Shoulda used that money for someone else I guess. The cup was a constant reminder... that stupid last push, I had to finish up a bunch of work for the class after returning from maternity leave. And I finished it even after I found out they were going to lay me off. I walked through the line of management who smiled and shook my hand heartily congratulating me, knowing that they wouldnt have to see my face again in a few weeks. And none of them cared. Even worse, the guy who was my mentor at the start, ignored me at the end. Never really said goodbye, never displayed an ounce of sadness that I was leaving, just gave up on me.
I need to let go. I need to get angry and let go. I need to understand that they are no better than any other business, maybe even worse, as they preach one thing and do another. They've drifted from Dr. Bose's ideals and can't see it. Im not sure Im ready to turn my back on them, but I probably need to give up on going back. They dont want me. They never really did.
This mantra repeated over and over in my head as I slammed my hands into my steering wheel and hot tears streamed down my cheeks faster than I could shut them out. This really is like a really awful, awful breakup. One that you just cant get away from.
It was hard enough that Im struggling to find happiness at my new job. Management is sucking the life out of me. Everything that holds me back, everything that makes me frustrated with my day, I can look back and say "wow it never would have been that way at my last job". Its harder, knowing that the NFL season is coming up... and a day that I used to look forward to, Im eyeing with a mix of dread and anticipation, knowing that its going to bring back the pain a bit. Part of me hates that something so simple as watching a sport that was once fun, will now be a little bit of a stab over and over.
This evening was a full on rollercoaster. I found out that my old company hired one of our PE's. I knew this PE was changing positions internally, as I knew he was frustrated with management. I could tell he was reasonably smart, but he is not always the best communicator, and struggles in some areas. Nice guy, but not the best PE/PM I've ever worked with. And he just got a job with them. The company that deemed me unworthy of any of their jobs. I started thinking back to all the Koolaid I drank, how Dr. Bose really cared about people as individuals, and how he and management often saw in people what they were capable of, rather than what their resume said. Yet this guy I work with was hired because he had worked with China. A bullet point on his resume. A fucking bullet point. There I said it. Maybe this is why they let me go. I'm too emotional, Im too open. They'd rather someone who doesnt rock the boat. They'd rather someone who doesnt challege or put emotion into their work. I get it. Its oddly something I had worked on and gotten better at, but now I feel like I must be failing and regressing. I blamed my emotion at Bose for the fact that I was pregnant for 9 months of my time there. What an awful time to be making a new impression. I know that Im a good PM, a good decision maker. My former boss told me that, and I can even see it in how Im starting to make decisions in my new job. But that's near impossible to quantify on a resume or in a review or in a list of people that are going to get laid off. Who cares?
And thats what gets me... As my head reeled, and this guy pressed me for "give me some details, what will it be like, what should I watch out for, can I have some pointers". All I could think is WTF? That should be ME, not YOU. As I go back and forth wondering if I could really do it, if I could really go back without feeling like a second class citizen and constantly watching my back, part of me is insanely jealous. The culture that I loved, the job that I enjoyed, the people that I worked with, the boss who was the best in my career... all gone... and he gets to have it. WTF.
I rambled on about their new VP of Engineering... the guy who was once the head of our division... who was amazingly smart and always asked perfect to the point questions... the guy who saw no value in my skills... The guy whom to which I was just a number... just a number, in a culture that was so about people. WTF. Im so mystified. A culture that so cared about its people that it cut a TON of good ones. Shut down its only remaining US manufacturing, exported its US call center, and then sold off the rest of its plants. To the way of the outsourcing they go. Its all about the money, all about the business. They try to say they are about innovation, but they are not. How could they be about innovation and people when all they are are "fast followers" and their people are "just numbers"? Yet I yearn so badly to be back there. I dont know why I guess. I couldnt trust anyone there anymore anyway. But would it be better than where I am?????
Tonight, I threw out my Bose cup... the one I earned in my six sigma class. Think about that... how much time and money did they invest in training me... me a useless number? Shoulda used that money for someone else I guess. The cup was a constant reminder... that stupid last push, I had to finish up a bunch of work for the class after returning from maternity leave. And I finished it even after I found out they were going to lay me off. I walked through the line of management who smiled and shook my hand heartily congratulating me, knowing that they wouldnt have to see my face again in a few weeks. And none of them cared. Even worse, the guy who was my mentor at the start, ignored me at the end. Never really said goodbye, never displayed an ounce of sadness that I was leaving, just gave up on me.
I need to let go. I need to get angry and let go. I need to understand that they are no better than any other business, maybe even worse, as they preach one thing and do another. They've drifted from Dr. Bose's ideals and can't see it. Im not sure Im ready to turn my back on them, but I probably need to give up on going back. They dont want me. They never really did.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Will Time Help?
When does the anger subside? Yesterday marked 3 months since I was laid off, but maybe 3.5 since I knew. I have a new job, we've settled into a routine, and things at home are starting to get back to normal. The new job isnt everything I've dreamed of, but I can make it work, and really I should be thankful I found something so quick.
Yet it still hurts. Every day I drive by my old office... 10 minutes into my 30 minute commute. I try not to look, but my heart sinks every time I dont take the turn. I curse that I have to spend another 40 minutes away from my kids every day. When I panick trying to get out of work at the end of the day, feeling like Im disappointing my new boss, knowing I will never really live up to her expectations as I leave to go get my kids. I curse my old job as I probably drive too fast, trying to make sure I make it to daycare before I get fined for being late.
I want to blame my old job for the time that I was so upset over the new job that I forgot to buckle my youngest into her carseat... or last night when I buckled her in, but forgot to tighten the straps. Im so distracted trying to keep up with the new pace of things, and trying so hard to keep my cool and settle in that I cant keep it under control. Im failing.
I keep wondering what life would be like if I hadnt gotten laid off a second time. But I think part of the problem is I keep thinking back to what it was like before I had my second daughter. And I keep idealizing it. Now it is true that as much as I could be frustrated every day, I would still tell people I really liked my job. The people were great, I loved my boss, I was a supervisor for the first time, I got to work closely with a really good friend who was an incredibly detail oriented and hard worker. The type of person you always want on your team. I had people to sit with at breakfast and lunch, and yeah... my job was to work with the NFL. The day to day grind was tough, but good jobs aren't supposed to be easy. And I thought I was doing a good job. But the reality is things were shifting. If I was there, I wouldnt be working for my favorite boss, and the reality is she is probably so busy that I'd be lucky to even meet with her as a mentor once a month. My programs kept getting cut over and over, and we kept getting forced to downgrade our technology at a company that claimed to be so focused on advancing technology. The final product, if it happened, would be a shell of what it once was. I may have gotten to see it reach the market for the first time, but it wouldnt be what we knew it could.
But I think what hurts is no matter how much that new reality would have been hard, I feel like it wouldnt be harder than where I am now. I am slowly coming up to speed, and hopefully can help, but the environment is really really weird. I have no clue how to figure out if I will be meeting managements expectations, I dont know if I will get a raise, I dont know if I will ever really feel like it is the right place. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and expectations. I'm trying to figure out how I can be happy with what Ive got. Im trying to figure out how to help them succeed and how to be successful myself. Im back to listening to "How to win friends and influence people" and trying to make myself happy with the commute, with the environment, with the culture. I keep telling myself to just try a little harder and maybe I will settle in. But the reality is that I was spoiled before, and its hard to come from that to this. Before they decided I was worthless to their current trajectory, Bose was a pretty ideal job. The underlying culture was a good match, the management training and opportunities was a good growth opportunity for me, the project was high profile and fun, and I saw a long term career there. I dont know if my new place is long term. The longest anyone has been there in my group is 5 years. We keep getting org announcements of people leaving. But maybe I just need to put my head down and dig in. I'll get there right? Time will help the anger subside right?
Yet it still hurts. Every day I drive by my old office... 10 minutes into my 30 minute commute. I try not to look, but my heart sinks every time I dont take the turn. I curse that I have to spend another 40 minutes away from my kids every day. When I panick trying to get out of work at the end of the day, feeling like Im disappointing my new boss, knowing I will never really live up to her expectations as I leave to go get my kids. I curse my old job as I probably drive too fast, trying to make sure I make it to daycare before I get fined for being late.
I want to blame my old job for the time that I was so upset over the new job that I forgot to buckle my youngest into her carseat... or last night when I buckled her in, but forgot to tighten the straps. Im so distracted trying to keep up with the new pace of things, and trying so hard to keep my cool and settle in that I cant keep it under control. Im failing.
I keep wondering what life would be like if I hadnt gotten laid off a second time. But I think part of the problem is I keep thinking back to what it was like before I had my second daughter. And I keep idealizing it. Now it is true that as much as I could be frustrated every day, I would still tell people I really liked my job. The people were great, I loved my boss, I was a supervisor for the first time, I got to work closely with a really good friend who was an incredibly detail oriented and hard worker. The type of person you always want on your team. I had people to sit with at breakfast and lunch, and yeah... my job was to work with the NFL. The day to day grind was tough, but good jobs aren't supposed to be easy. And I thought I was doing a good job. But the reality is things were shifting. If I was there, I wouldnt be working for my favorite boss, and the reality is she is probably so busy that I'd be lucky to even meet with her as a mentor once a month. My programs kept getting cut over and over, and we kept getting forced to downgrade our technology at a company that claimed to be so focused on advancing technology. The final product, if it happened, would be a shell of what it once was. I may have gotten to see it reach the market for the first time, but it wouldnt be what we knew it could.
But I think what hurts is no matter how much that new reality would have been hard, I feel like it wouldnt be harder than where I am now. I am slowly coming up to speed, and hopefully can help, but the environment is really really weird. I have no clue how to figure out if I will be meeting managements expectations, I dont know if I will get a raise, I dont know if I will ever really feel like it is the right place. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and expectations. I'm trying to figure out how I can be happy with what Ive got. Im trying to figure out how to help them succeed and how to be successful myself. Im back to listening to "How to win friends and influence people" and trying to make myself happy with the commute, with the environment, with the culture. I keep telling myself to just try a little harder and maybe I will settle in. But the reality is that I was spoiled before, and its hard to come from that to this. Before they decided I was worthless to their current trajectory, Bose was a pretty ideal job. The underlying culture was a good match, the management training and opportunities was a good growth opportunity for me, the project was high profile and fun, and I saw a long term career there. I dont know if my new place is long term. The longest anyone has been there in my group is 5 years. We keep getting org announcements of people leaving. But maybe I just need to put my head down and dig in. I'll get there right? Time will help the anger subside right?
Monday, March 28, 2016
What are you most proud of?
I got asked this question in one of my interviews, and I forget exactly how it was asked, but it may have been something about engineering or professionally, or maybe "aside from your kids, what are you...", something along those lines.
I paused only a moment, even though I hadn't prepared for it, my response was very much at the front of my mind. It was 1511's first year. That felt like one of my biggest triumph's. Not only had I succeeded in founding a FIRST team, no small feat in itself, I somehow managed to found an incredibly successful one. Now "somehow" makes it sound like an accident... but very little that I do is by accident. I worked incredibly hard to create the partnership between the company and the school, I spent nearly all my free time planning out how we would recruit and prepare the mentors and students, I built a strong team of mentors, and I gathered students and help the team prepare for the year. I set a goal of getting the team to World Championships, and we made it way earlier than I planned - I told the kids, just have fun at the first event, get to know what is going on, we will push for the awards at the second and third so we make sure we get there... especially because there were going to be a ton of Rookies at our event. Well... the enthusiasm that we built was amazing, and the team won it's way to CMP at the very first event! They proceeded to do amazing at the next two as well. And yeah... I'm proud of it!! Its often incredibly hard for me to take credit for it. A lot of it was sort of the right place and the right people at the right time... but there was A LOT of effort put into planning it, so much so that I could write a book on how to do it again. So yeah, I am proud of my part in that. I am proud of the kids, I am proud of the mentors, and I was so shocked, amazed and proud that they won the championship rookie all star award.
That to me is one of my biggest professional accomplishments. Yes it wasn't a paid part of my job, but my employer got a lot out of it. Their name was spread all over the place, and would be for years to come. And most of all, I was able to found something that had longevity, that would have an impact on so many students who needed a program like that. And that impact is what I am proud of. Looking around at my involvement in FIRST, it has been a much bigger impact than anything I have done in my career. Sure I was a part of some great products, some great programs, but none of them that had such a large and lasting impact on people and the world as my involvement in FIRST. And yes, I am most proud of that.
I paused only a moment, even though I hadn't prepared for it, my response was very much at the front of my mind. It was 1511's first year. That felt like one of my biggest triumph's. Not only had I succeeded in founding a FIRST team, no small feat in itself, I somehow managed to found an incredibly successful one. Now "somehow" makes it sound like an accident... but very little that I do is by accident. I worked incredibly hard to create the partnership between the company and the school, I spent nearly all my free time planning out how we would recruit and prepare the mentors and students, I built a strong team of mentors, and I gathered students and help the team prepare for the year. I set a goal of getting the team to World Championships, and we made it way earlier than I planned - I told the kids, just have fun at the first event, get to know what is going on, we will push for the awards at the second and third so we make sure we get there... especially because there were going to be a ton of Rookies at our event. Well... the enthusiasm that we built was amazing, and the team won it's way to CMP at the very first event! They proceeded to do amazing at the next two as well. And yeah... I'm proud of it!! Its often incredibly hard for me to take credit for it. A lot of it was sort of the right place and the right people at the right time... but there was A LOT of effort put into planning it, so much so that I could write a book on how to do it again. So yeah, I am proud of my part in that. I am proud of the kids, I am proud of the mentors, and I was so shocked, amazed and proud that they won the championship rookie all star award.
That to me is one of my biggest professional accomplishments. Yes it wasn't a paid part of my job, but my employer got a lot out of it. Their name was spread all over the place, and would be for years to come. And most of all, I was able to found something that had longevity, that would have an impact on so many students who needed a program like that. And that impact is what I am proud of. Looking around at my involvement in FIRST, it has been a much bigger impact than anything I have done in my career. Sure I was a part of some great products, some great programs, but none of them that had such a large and lasting impact on people and the world as my involvement in FIRST. And yes, I am most proud of that.
Moving on or Moving forward?
Its a rainy morning, and in a week, I will be back to work full time.
Thats a pretty factual statement devoid of emotion. I think as I mentioned, I feel a little tired of this whole thing. Nothing towards my new company. They seem great, and it will be pretty neat to be involved in consumer products that are all over stores and amazon and everyone's houses.
But I still can't shake that I'm annoyed I'm in this position.
Anyways, the reason for the title. This morning I was thinking about two things that have been sort of stuck in my mind. The first is that I had asked my old boss for things I could do to improve. Were there reasons that Bose management chose to toss me out the door, deciding that I wasnt good enough to flex into a different role? Or just things as a PM that I could do better to move forward in my career. Yet she's been really busy, and hasn't been able to get back to me on it. Our schedules haven't lined up for weeks. This weekend I got a note from her saying this week might not be good because she had an interview and then might be traveling. I started to wonder if it was worth just dismissing the whole thing as it stung to hear the words interview. Life is still going on there as much as I wish to hear things aren't the same without me... they are fine. And they are hiring. A lot. It hurts to hear that. So maybe its better to just be done with Bose. I really miss the people there, a lot... but every time I hear of a new job there, or don't hear back from someone because they are so busy, it just feels like another knife cuts into me. So maybe it's time to just move on. Maybe I should cut my losses and not keep trying to figure out how to improve.
An aside: Last week I had to go to an unemployment seminar just to keep getting my unemployment checks for these last couple of weeks. The place that runs the seminars is right on the way to Bose. As I drove there, I got this awful angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking about the people that were still there, the management that gave up on me, it just made me so angry. I'm still not over it. I hope that soon I can just move on.
The other one that's been bugging me is getting turned down for the Mathworks job. I got myself pretty excited about it, as it was something new and different. Looking back, ok it was a step out of my current trajectory, so it was a big risk, taking time off from the path I had built. I would get a chance to work with a couple of friends, and the benefits and perks were great. Maybe it wasn't as much of a fit as I had built it to be in my head, so maybe its not that much of a loss, but its hard to deny that the commute, pay, perks and benefits wouldnt have been worth it. But what is nagging me most is what didnt I have that the candidate they chose did? What did I need on my resume to be the one to get that job? Maybe its mostly because I was so successful in my other interviews, maybe the failure is what bugs me the most, but I feel like I want to know. I could write to one of my friends to find out, I even had him over the other night, but I didnt really get up the courage to ask. So do I want to know? Will it provide some closure? Perhaps... I had asked the recruiter & hiring manager for feedback, but got no answer at all. I'm guessing I could get it from my friend, but Im not sure if it will be helpful? Maybe.
People keep asking me what I really want to be. My best friend asked me yesterday. I dunno. All I know is I want a career where I feel like I am accomplishing something, and I want more than anything to spend time with my kids. My two year old is a giant sponge right now, she learns so much so fast, has grown so empathetic, is a great big sister. My 6 month old just cut two teeth, seemed to start saying dadadadada and just crawled 8 feet last night!! Time with them goes so quick I want my girls to see a mom who is successful, but I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. I like the lifestyle my current career path affords, and I know that I can be good at whatever I choose to work at. So maybe what I want to be really doesn't matter. Maybe I just move on, find something that fits, and keep going. Maybe my life can be a series of stumbling into good things, and perhaps I just focus on my family and the life outside.
Thats a pretty factual statement devoid of emotion. I think as I mentioned, I feel a little tired of this whole thing. Nothing towards my new company. They seem great, and it will be pretty neat to be involved in consumer products that are all over stores and amazon and everyone's houses.
But I still can't shake that I'm annoyed I'm in this position.
Anyways, the reason for the title. This morning I was thinking about two things that have been sort of stuck in my mind. The first is that I had asked my old boss for things I could do to improve. Were there reasons that Bose management chose to toss me out the door, deciding that I wasnt good enough to flex into a different role? Or just things as a PM that I could do better to move forward in my career. Yet she's been really busy, and hasn't been able to get back to me on it. Our schedules haven't lined up for weeks. This weekend I got a note from her saying this week might not be good because she had an interview and then might be traveling. I started to wonder if it was worth just dismissing the whole thing as it stung to hear the words interview. Life is still going on there as much as I wish to hear things aren't the same without me... they are fine. And they are hiring. A lot. It hurts to hear that. So maybe its better to just be done with Bose. I really miss the people there, a lot... but every time I hear of a new job there, or don't hear back from someone because they are so busy, it just feels like another knife cuts into me. So maybe it's time to just move on. Maybe I should cut my losses and not keep trying to figure out how to improve.
An aside: Last week I had to go to an unemployment seminar just to keep getting my unemployment checks for these last couple of weeks. The place that runs the seminars is right on the way to Bose. As I drove there, I got this awful angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking about the people that were still there, the management that gave up on me, it just made me so angry. I'm still not over it. I hope that soon I can just move on.
The other one that's been bugging me is getting turned down for the Mathworks job. I got myself pretty excited about it, as it was something new and different. Looking back, ok it was a step out of my current trajectory, so it was a big risk, taking time off from the path I had built. I would get a chance to work with a couple of friends, and the benefits and perks were great. Maybe it wasn't as much of a fit as I had built it to be in my head, so maybe its not that much of a loss, but its hard to deny that the commute, pay, perks and benefits wouldnt have been worth it. But what is nagging me most is what didnt I have that the candidate they chose did? What did I need on my resume to be the one to get that job? Maybe its mostly because I was so successful in my other interviews, maybe the failure is what bugs me the most, but I feel like I want to know. I could write to one of my friends to find out, I even had him over the other night, but I didnt really get up the courage to ask. So do I want to know? Will it provide some closure? Perhaps... I had asked the recruiter & hiring manager for feedback, but got no answer at all. I'm guessing I could get it from my friend, but Im not sure if it will be helpful? Maybe.
People keep asking me what I really want to be. My best friend asked me yesterday. I dunno. All I know is I want a career where I feel like I am accomplishing something, and I want more than anything to spend time with my kids. My two year old is a giant sponge right now, she learns so much so fast, has grown so empathetic, is a great big sister. My 6 month old just cut two teeth, seemed to start saying dadadadada and just crawled 8 feet last night!! Time with them goes so quick I want my girls to see a mom who is successful, but I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. I like the lifestyle my current career path affords, and I know that I can be good at whatever I choose to work at. So maybe what I want to be really doesn't matter. Maybe I just move on, find something that fits, and keep going. Maybe my life can be a series of stumbling into good things, and perhaps I just focus on my family and the life outside.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Why are you Haunting Me?
I have this song stuck in my head from when I was in high school/college. I feel haunted by my last job after waking up seriously upset from a bad dream.
The dream went like this...
I got rehired at my old company to do a different job from the one I was doing before I left. It was of course a different building, but some of the people were the same and in my dream it was the same company. I think I had skipped the orientation, but was meeting with people on the new role. I was talking with someone (I think in HR), who apparently had expected me to be doing a presentation an hour later.
It was at that point that things got really weird. The presentation was from my old job. The problem was that some people in the company hadnt gotten the word that I was laid off from that job, and for some reason still expected me to be doing it. I told them what was going on and I think they ended up getting the product manager to do the presentation, but it hurt... a lot. I cried as I walked by the room where he was giving the presentation. That should have been me.
I tried to talk to my former boss about it, but she was really busy and after 5 minutes of talking she got whisked away by one of her new employees, too busy for me.
I woke up dazed and confused and rather upset, but realizing something important. I can't go back. At least not any time soon. I had applied for a couple of jobs there, and even got a phone screen for one of them. I poked around on their lists a few times when I was looking, but now I think the wound is still far too raw. I would still miss what I had been doing, and since that program is still going on, I think I'd end up spending too much thought on what was going on with it.
And I also remember in the dream feeling hurt, and feeling like a second class employee... an employee that came crawling back despite being told I wasn't wanted before. I know that they say layoffs aren't rational, and don't take them personally, but its hard for me to not feel like if I were a superstar that they would have kept me. Of course in 1.5 years (for which 9 months I was pregnant, and 2.5 months I was on maternity leave), was there any chance of me becoming a superstar? Who knows. Either way it was awkward to be back.
I kinda wish I had had this dream sooner, maybe I wouldn't have wasted any time looking at their job boards or writing cover letters or talking/prepping for phone screens.
"What's done is done and I should get on with my life....."
It's time to let go, and hopefully it will stop haunting me.
The dream went like this...
I got rehired at my old company to do a different job from the one I was doing before I left. It was of course a different building, but some of the people were the same and in my dream it was the same company. I think I had skipped the orientation, but was meeting with people on the new role. I was talking with someone (I think in HR), who apparently had expected me to be doing a presentation an hour later.
It was at that point that things got really weird. The presentation was from my old job. The problem was that some people in the company hadnt gotten the word that I was laid off from that job, and for some reason still expected me to be doing it. I told them what was going on and I think they ended up getting the product manager to do the presentation, but it hurt... a lot. I cried as I walked by the room where he was giving the presentation. That should have been me.
I tried to talk to my former boss about it, but she was really busy and after 5 minutes of talking she got whisked away by one of her new employees, too busy for me.
I woke up dazed and confused and rather upset, but realizing something important. I can't go back. At least not any time soon. I had applied for a couple of jobs there, and even got a phone screen for one of them. I poked around on their lists a few times when I was looking, but now I think the wound is still far too raw. I would still miss what I had been doing, and since that program is still going on, I think I'd end up spending too much thought on what was going on with it.
And I also remember in the dream feeling hurt, and feeling like a second class employee... an employee that came crawling back despite being told I wasn't wanted before. I know that they say layoffs aren't rational, and don't take them personally, but its hard for me to not feel like if I were a superstar that they would have kept me. Of course in 1.5 years (for which 9 months I was pregnant, and 2.5 months I was on maternity leave), was there any chance of me becoming a superstar? Who knows. Either way it was awkward to be back.
I kinda wish I had had this dream sooner, maybe I wouldn't have wasted any time looking at their job boards or writing cover letters or talking/prepping for phone screens.
"What's done is done and I should get on with my life....."
It's time to let go, and hopefully it will stop haunting me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Almost there...
So I think my job search has come to an end for now. My last interview (of my 4 onsites) ended up declining me for other candidates. I ended up declining two of the offers, and just now accepted the 3rd. But it still all feels so weird.
There are times I'm incredibly excited. I think this is a good opportunity, and a good advancement in my career or addition to my resume. There are times where I'm still bummed. My commute is going to increase 2-3X, I may need to be on evening calls with China. I'm no longer working with the NFL. I'm no longer working for the best supervisor I've had in my career. I still find myself comparing everything and just not being able to lift myself to the excited stage. I think honestly if I had gotten the other offer, I might have been closer. It was going to be challenging, it was going to be a change in my career, but the commute was short, there were fun perks to the environment, and I'd start out with friends there. I think I got myself so excited for that one that I just kind of feel let down by that, and let down by being laid off in the first place. I think I need time to process it all.
But I guess with all of this, I'm one step closer to moving forward in my career. In thinking through the options and opportunities, I stumbled across a few interesting points...
1. I really like the front end of Systems Engineering. Defining what the product/system will be with the customer before it is created is my specialty. I like starting things. I like the early stages. I'm not certain I'm amazing at the random R&D management yet, but in Systems Engineering, I'm good at the stage where we need to head towards a focused product.
2. I think I maybe want to head towards Product Management with my career. I really like that it ties long term vision with real engineering. I realized that somewhat early in my career - at Harris I had decided that's where I really wanted to head... and I think as I moved around I lost a little site of that, but its becoming clear again.
I don't know that this new job will afford me that opportunity. But its possible.. the Program Managers own an entire line of products along with the Marketing/Brand Managers, so maybe I kind of will be a Product Manager. I guess I will see how far it takes me.
I also think I messed up the negotiation process. I was too open with the recruiter to start, and honestly when she first called me, I had no idea what I was worth or what the jobs I was being recruited for were worth. I should have locked down and determined my worth earlier. I think the result is that Im 5-10K below my value now, but oh well. Its certainly not a bad salary at all, it just isn't what I should be commanding. I did negotiate and got a signing bonus, and an increase from what they first offered, but not as much as I should have gotten I think.
In the end, I think Im just tired. I was at a company that I thought I was going to build a career at. And now Im starting all over and Im just tired of it. The new company has really good people, and it seems like its stable and has good direction. But Im just not eager to have to learn the politics of a new company. To have to figure out what management wants out of me. To be "the new kid on the block".
So I'm almost there... I at least have accepted an offer, now I just need to get myself psyched up and ready to go again.
There are times I'm incredibly excited. I think this is a good opportunity, and a good advancement in my career or addition to my resume. There are times where I'm still bummed. My commute is going to increase 2-3X, I may need to be on evening calls with China. I'm no longer working with the NFL. I'm no longer working for the best supervisor I've had in my career. I still find myself comparing everything and just not being able to lift myself to the excited stage. I think honestly if I had gotten the other offer, I might have been closer. It was going to be challenging, it was going to be a change in my career, but the commute was short, there were fun perks to the environment, and I'd start out with friends there. I think I got myself so excited for that one that I just kind of feel let down by that, and let down by being laid off in the first place. I think I need time to process it all.
But I guess with all of this, I'm one step closer to moving forward in my career. In thinking through the options and opportunities, I stumbled across a few interesting points...
1. I really like the front end of Systems Engineering. Defining what the product/system will be with the customer before it is created is my specialty. I like starting things. I like the early stages. I'm not certain I'm amazing at the random R&D management yet, but in Systems Engineering, I'm good at the stage where we need to head towards a focused product.
2. I think I maybe want to head towards Product Management with my career. I really like that it ties long term vision with real engineering. I realized that somewhat early in my career - at Harris I had decided that's where I really wanted to head... and I think as I moved around I lost a little site of that, but its becoming clear again.
I don't know that this new job will afford me that opportunity. But its possible.. the Program Managers own an entire line of products along with the Marketing/Brand Managers, so maybe I kind of will be a Product Manager. I guess I will see how far it takes me.
I also think I messed up the negotiation process. I was too open with the recruiter to start, and honestly when she first called me, I had no idea what I was worth or what the jobs I was being recruited for were worth. I should have locked down and determined my worth earlier. I think the result is that Im 5-10K below my value now, but oh well. Its certainly not a bad salary at all, it just isn't what I should be commanding. I did negotiate and got a signing bonus, and an increase from what they first offered, but not as much as I should have gotten I think.
In the end, I think Im just tired. I was at a company that I thought I was going to build a career at. And now Im starting all over and Im just tired of it. The new company has really good people, and it seems like its stable and has good direction. But Im just not eager to have to learn the politics of a new company. To have to figure out what management wants out of me. To be "the new kid on the block".
So I'm almost there... I at least have accepted an offer, now I just need to get myself psyched up and ready to go again.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
The Waiting...
I think the hardest part of any job search is the waiting. From the moment you upload your resume or hit submit in an online application... you have to wait. You have very little idea what is going on on the other side of the wall.
I remember last time I was laid off, the waiting was the worst part. It caused doubt and worry. It caused me to wonder if I'd ever land a job in the next 6 months. What would I do if I didnt? It caused me to think of all the reasons I had been let go, wondering if any of my past decisions had been mistakes. Why did I leave a stable job for the one that ultimately laid me off? I questioned and I worried... a lot. As I waited for the phone calls. I would get a few small hits, a message from a recruiter, a phone screen here or there. Those would help, but then there would be more waiting... waiting to hear if I was a fit.
This time around, fortunately there was not as much waiting involved. I posted my resume and the very next day I was getting calls. I really had no time to even think about what I wanted, or what my requests for salary were.
There was some wait here and there, waiting for the first offer, waiting for the onsite interview, wondering what each place would think of me.
But I sit here at the end of my search... waiting again. I'm now waiting to hear from the final company. The somewhat unfortunate part is as I put everything to paper to help make my decision, and evaluated all the companies against eachother, this last one came out on top. So I now find myself incredibly nervous. Wondering if there is anything more I can do, wondering if I was good enough, how I stacked up against their other candidates... did I even have a shot against someone with any kind of experience. I want to think so, but the doubt creeps in again.
The good side is that I have alternatives this time. I have options if this doesnt work out... but it feels a little like applying to colleges... you have your dream school, you drool over their campus, you put on your best face for your interviews, you work incredibly hard to ask really good questions, but you know they only take a limited number of people. Well in the case of the job, only one of us will get it. This is where while I often can be, come across, and appear very confident, sometimes I really am not. I don't know if I will get it, I just don't.
I remember last time I was laid off, the waiting was the worst part. It caused doubt and worry. It caused me to wonder if I'd ever land a job in the next 6 months. What would I do if I didnt? It caused me to think of all the reasons I had been let go, wondering if any of my past decisions had been mistakes. Why did I leave a stable job for the one that ultimately laid me off? I questioned and I worried... a lot. As I waited for the phone calls. I would get a few small hits, a message from a recruiter, a phone screen here or there. Those would help, but then there would be more waiting... waiting to hear if I was a fit.
This time around, fortunately there was not as much waiting involved. I posted my resume and the very next day I was getting calls. I really had no time to even think about what I wanted, or what my requests for salary were.
There was some wait here and there, waiting for the first offer, waiting for the onsite interview, wondering what each place would think of me.
But I sit here at the end of my search... waiting again. I'm now waiting to hear from the final company. The somewhat unfortunate part is as I put everything to paper to help make my decision, and evaluated all the companies against eachother, this last one came out on top. So I now find myself incredibly nervous. Wondering if there is anything more I can do, wondering if I was good enough, how I stacked up against their other candidates... did I even have a shot against someone with any kind of experience. I want to think so, but the doubt creeps in again.
The good side is that I have alternatives this time. I have options if this doesnt work out... but it feels a little like applying to colleges... you have your dream school, you drool over their campus, you put on your best face for your interviews, you work incredibly hard to ask really good questions, but you know they only take a limited number of people. Well in the case of the job, only one of us will get it. This is where while I often can be, come across, and appear very confident, sometimes I really am not. I don't know if I will get it, I just don't.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Cast Away
I am guessing its normal when laid off to feel cast away. I struggle a bit every time I see a job at Bose pop up in my searches. Even if I am not a direct match for them... it hurts a little to see that job there.
Today I think I was daydreaming... I saw someone wandering around with a pair of Apple headphones, and I think it was someone who really could use some good ones - like a cop stuck directing traffic or something. I couldn't help but think, I should give him one of the pairs I have at home... one of the "least sophisticated ones" I have from my time there might be the first pair that I got. Its hard to believe, less than 2 years ago, I walked into Bose and within two days was sitting at my desk, and one of the Program Managers came up and handed me my first real pair of headphones... They were pretty cool looking, not Bose's standard black or grey, but Blue with some cool white spots and green/blue cord. And I won't forget, when I put them in and popped on Pandora for the first time, it was like hearing things in music I never heard before. I was hooked. The head of our engineering department walked by a few days later and commented "looking pretty cool!!"
But that memory was over.
I remember going through their orientations, thinking I would be there forever. I was going build a career there. I went to career panels that pitched how people built their careers, how people made lateral jumps, how Bose often took a chance on people that didn't meet every single facet of the job description, simply because they believed in the person, and thought that that person could learn, they could grow, they could advance. And Bose had certainly built a huge number of employees that experiences like that. I thought I would be one of them.
But I guess that is how Bose was. It's not how Bose is anymore. Quite a number of us, with quite a lot of potential (or at least I think so), were cast away in their layoffs. Rather than reshuffle us, or ask us to take on something different, they decided to just let us go. And then they post even more jobs. There are EIGHTY job postings up right now. 80... 80 people they could not find from within. 80 people that they couldn't wait for growth or adaptation. Yet many of us who were completely bought in, knew the systems, had experience with other places, and even supported the need for change... were let go.
It hurts.
I feel Cast Away from a company that I really liked, that I believed in, that I felt so fully a part of.
Most days I'm capable of moving on & accepting it. But some small memories definitely still feel sharp.
The only thing left I can think is Thank God the NFL season is over...
Today I think I was daydreaming... I saw someone wandering around with a pair of Apple headphones, and I think it was someone who really could use some good ones - like a cop stuck directing traffic or something. I couldn't help but think, I should give him one of the pairs I have at home... one of the "least sophisticated ones" I have from my time there might be the first pair that I got. Its hard to believe, less than 2 years ago, I walked into Bose and within two days was sitting at my desk, and one of the Program Managers came up and handed me my first real pair of headphones... They were pretty cool looking, not Bose's standard black or grey, but Blue with some cool white spots and green/blue cord. And I won't forget, when I put them in and popped on Pandora for the first time, it was like hearing things in music I never heard before. I was hooked. The head of our engineering department walked by a few days later and commented "looking pretty cool!!"
But that memory was over.
I remember going through their orientations, thinking I would be there forever. I was going build a career there. I went to career panels that pitched how people built their careers, how people made lateral jumps, how Bose often took a chance on people that didn't meet every single facet of the job description, simply because they believed in the person, and thought that that person could learn, they could grow, they could advance. And Bose had certainly built a huge number of employees that experiences like that. I thought I would be one of them.
But I guess that is how Bose was. It's not how Bose is anymore. Quite a number of us, with quite a lot of potential (or at least I think so), were cast away in their layoffs. Rather than reshuffle us, or ask us to take on something different, they decided to just let us go. And then they post even more jobs. There are EIGHTY job postings up right now. 80... 80 people they could not find from within. 80 people that they couldn't wait for growth or adaptation. Yet many of us who were completely bought in, knew the systems, had experience with other places, and even supported the need for change... were let go.
It hurts.
I feel Cast Away from a company that I really liked, that I believed in, that I felt so fully a part of.
Most days I'm capable of moving on & accepting it. But some small memories definitely still feel sharp.
The only thing left I can think is Thank God the NFL season is over...
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Priorities
As I cycle through the grind of the job hunt, and am starting to have to weigh options, I find myself trying to determine how I will decide if I receive multiple offers. In talking with a career counselor, some friends and a couple of recruiters, the question that keeps circling are "what are my priorities?"
Job search websites will coach you to say one thing... to give answers that make that job seem like the idea job.
But the reality is I need to figure out what my priorities are in order to make a good decision.
So here are the factors:
- Time with my Kids: What does this have to do with a job? well, just about everything. My ideal job would be close to home so that I spend less time in the car and more time with my girls. Less time in the car also gives me more time at the job. I also want a job that is flexible enough to give me a good amount of vacation and sick time so that I don't feel bad about being home with a sick kid or taking a day off to have a fun day with one of them. I love that right now I can help get them up in the morning and that my husband and I are both home for dinner with them.
- Location: We moved to Boston area because of the vast number of opportunities in the area, however it is a city and commute times can be rough. mostly to the point above, I'd rather spend less time in the car.
- Stability: After being laid off twice now by companies that were growing, Im gunshy. I dont know how to predict or tell this - no one internally will ever say "oh we are growing too fast" or "nah there is no way we will be successful in two years". But I guess I will try and go with my gut.
- Growth Opportunity: This one is interesting. I've found myself happiest at places where I can imagine or dream of my path forward. It doesnt mean that I have to have an exact plan, but that there is room to grow and move. I think this definitely makes smaller companies a little bit less of a fit.
- Social Environment: I've been happiest at places that I can have lunch with coworkers, that I have people I want to invite to my parties, that we take breaks for morning coffee or afternoon tea time. I like getting to know other people around the company and having resources to connect with for social reasons.
- Benefits/Perks: I like companies that are at least trying to find fun ways to make employees feel involved/happy/engaged. There is a lot to be said for Google's onsite acupuncture, dry cleaning, meals and yoga classes. These aren't necessities, but other things equal, things like this that make my time at the company more enjoyable, and my life outside the company easier.
- Salary: Honestly, this is pretty low on my list. None of my discussions have been unreasonable, and I find myself realizing that even for 10K more I wouldnt take a job that compromises any of my other major priorities. 50K?? ok maybe, but no one has reached that high, nor do I anticipate my skillset being able to demand that. So Salary is pretty low on my priorities.
So if I had to pick my top 3 and rank them right now?
1. Time with my Kids/Family
2. Growth Opportunity
3. Social Environment
Originally I put Stability at #3, but I realized that is so much harder to evaluate and will be very subjective, so in my engineering mind, its a hard factor to compare, and maybe was worth dropping from the list.
This may change as I talk to a few more companies, but I think this is starting to solidify and make sense to me now...
Job search websites will coach you to say one thing... to give answers that make that job seem like the idea job.
But the reality is I need to figure out what my priorities are in order to make a good decision.
So here are the factors:
- Time with my Kids: What does this have to do with a job? well, just about everything. My ideal job would be close to home so that I spend less time in the car and more time with my girls. Less time in the car also gives me more time at the job. I also want a job that is flexible enough to give me a good amount of vacation and sick time so that I don't feel bad about being home with a sick kid or taking a day off to have a fun day with one of them. I love that right now I can help get them up in the morning and that my husband and I are both home for dinner with them.
- Location: We moved to Boston area because of the vast number of opportunities in the area, however it is a city and commute times can be rough. mostly to the point above, I'd rather spend less time in the car.
- Stability: After being laid off twice now by companies that were growing, Im gunshy. I dont know how to predict or tell this - no one internally will ever say "oh we are growing too fast" or "nah there is no way we will be successful in two years". But I guess I will try and go with my gut.
- Growth Opportunity: This one is interesting. I've found myself happiest at places where I can imagine or dream of my path forward. It doesnt mean that I have to have an exact plan, but that there is room to grow and move. I think this definitely makes smaller companies a little bit less of a fit.
- Social Environment: I've been happiest at places that I can have lunch with coworkers, that I have people I want to invite to my parties, that we take breaks for morning coffee or afternoon tea time. I like getting to know other people around the company and having resources to connect with for social reasons.
- Benefits/Perks: I like companies that are at least trying to find fun ways to make employees feel involved/happy/engaged. There is a lot to be said for Google's onsite acupuncture, dry cleaning, meals and yoga classes. These aren't necessities, but other things equal, things like this that make my time at the company more enjoyable, and my life outside the company easier.
- Salary: Honestly, this is pretty low on my list. None of my discussions have been unreasonable, and I find myself realizing that even for 10K more I wouldnt take a job that compromises any of my other major priorities. 50K?? ok maybe, but no one has reached that high, nor do I anticipate my skillset being able to demand that. So Salary is pretty low on my priorities.
So if I had to pick my top 3 and rank them right now?
1. Time with my Kids/Family
2. Growth Opportunity
3. Social Environment
Originally I put Stability at #3, but I realized that is so much harder to evaluate and will be very subjective, so in my engineering mind, its a hard factor to compare, and maybe was worth dropping from the list.
This may change as I talk to a few more companies, but I think this is starting to solidify and make sense to me now...
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
You have a great resume!
As I've moved forward in my career, and interviewed a lot of places, I've heard this one a number of times: "You have a very impressive resume!"
I have to say I've never really known exactly how to respond to this. When I was younger and confident, I often would think or maybe even say "Well I've been fortunate enough to have some amazing opportunities, and love working on new challenging things. I've stumbled upon some of them, and sought out others." Other times, I'd just say Thank You.
And it's true... when I was in high school, I stumbled on FIRST Robotics (it showed up at my school with two engineers playing a VCR tape of a competition on an old clunky TV in the cafeteria). But then I founded my own team (twice).
Through FIRST, I knew of a local UTC company. When I couldnt find an internship with them, I stumbled on the opportunity to intern at their sister division working on Space Station/Suit, etc... how cool??
My first job... I decided to interview at nearly every company hiring electrical engineers (30+ on campus), the first I didnt want to work at, but it would be good practice. Nearly 40 interviews later, I took a job with that first place I didnt want to work at (even after having the choice of 3 companies!)
My second job I hunted (wanted to get into the Boston area), and although I didnt know what I was going to be working on (classified) it ended up being really awesome technology... Third I got poached, and then I got laid off for the first time. That was my first real experience of not feeling wanted.
As I frantically applied to jobs thinking I needed applications in to get unemployment. I stumbled on one at Bose for an aviation/military headset program manager job. I hastily sent my resume off somewhere around midnight, forgetting to format it to the job. I hadnt held the official title of PM nor had any experience with headsets, beyond plugging them into Harris radios. After a few other interviews, it turned out that stumble lead me to an awesome job with an awesome boss... I got to work with the NFL and got great exposure to consumer electronics.
But again, I had chosen a company that was growing too fast... and after early retirement packages and several other layoffs, I got cut in a round of engineering layoffs and found myself re-polishing my resume.
Maybe 5 or 6 times now during this most recent job hunt I've heard "You have a really impressive resume". But in the back of my mind I think "yeah, but not impressive enough for my last two companies to keep me". Though I will admit that is way way back in my mind, as generally I can get myself fired up enough for an interview that I really do believe in myself and I do believe that I really could do any job I'm applying for. But that little bit of doubt is now deeply rooted in my subconscience, and admittedly may drive some of my decisions. I want a place that is stable, but I will also want to make sure that I can make enough of an impact to not just be "the new girl" and be able to be laid off again. Part of me knows it may not have been that avoidable, I worked incredibly hard at both jobs, I think the only thing I might have been able to do differently is make myself more known directly to upper management. In both places I tried to let my work speak for itself, perhaps I need to do a bit more than that.
But yes... I guess I do have a strong resume. No, I'm not sure I will ever really know how to respond to that statement. I guess the textbooks or online sites would suggest saying "why yes, I worked hard to grow in each of my roles and sought out opportunities that would help me do so", and while that is true, it always sounds a bit contrived to me, and I like to be more real, and the real me is often more humble. The teams of people, my bosses and the opportunities I've stumbled on have all helped shape me. I am not content to sit still, and I know if I work hard enough at anything, I can succeed, but I'm not sure I'm ever good at bragging about it.
I have to say I've never really known exactly how to respond to this. When I was younger and confident, I often would think or maybe even say "Well I've been fortunate enough to have some amazing opportunities, and love working on new challenging things. I've stumbled upon some of them, and sought out others." Other times, I'd just say Thank You.
And it's true... when I was in high school, I stumbled on FIRST Robotics (it showed up at my school with two engineers playing a VCR tape of a competition on an old clunky TV in the cafeteria). But then I founded my own team (twice).
Through FIRST, I knew of a local UTC company. When I couldnt find an internship with them, I stumbled on the opportunity to intern at their sister division working on Space Station/Suit, etc... how cool??
My first job... I decided to interview at nearly every company hiring electrical engineers (30+ on campus), the first I didnt want to work at, but it would be good practice. Nearly 40 interviews later, I took a job with that first place I didnt want to work at (even after having the choice of 3 companies!)
My second job I hunted (wanted to get into the Boston area), and although I didnt know what I was going to be working on (classified) it ended up being really awesome technology... Third I got poached, and then I got laid off for the first time. That was my first real experience of not feeling wanted.
As I frantically applied to jobs thinking I needed applications in to get unemployment. I stumbled on one at Bose for an aviation/military headset program manager job. I hastily sent my resume off somewhere around midnight, forgetting to format it to the job. I hadnt held the official title of PM nor had any experience with headsets, beyond plugging them into Harris radios. After a few other interviews, it turned out that stumble lead me to an awesome job with an awesome boss... I got to work with the NFL and got great exposure to consumer electronics.
But again, I had chosen a company that was growing too fast... and after early retirement packages and several other layoffs, I got cut in a round of engineering layoffs and found myself re-polishing my resume.
Maybe 5 or 6 times now during this most recent job hunt I've heard "You have a really impressive resume". But in the back of my mind I think "yeah, but not impressive enough for my last two companies to keep me". Though I will admit that is way way back in my mind, as generally I can get myself fired up enough for an interview that I really do believe in myself and I do believe that I really could do any job I'm applying for. But that little bit of doubt is now deeply rooted in my subconscience, and admittedly may drive some of my decisions. I want a place that is stable, but I will also want to make sure that I can make enough of an impact to not just be "the new girl" and be able to be laid off again. Part of me knows it may not have been that avoidable, I worked incredibly hard at both jobs, I think the only thing I might have been able to do differently is make myself more known directly to upper management. In both places I tried to let my work speak for itself, perhaps I need to do a bit more than that.
But yes... I guess I do have a strong resume. No, I'm not sure I will ever really know how to respond to that statement. I guess the textbooks or online sites would suggest saying "why yes, I worked hard to grow in each of my roles and sought out opportunities that would help me do so", and while that is true, it always sounds a bit contrived to me, and I like to be more real, and the real me is often more humble. The teams of people, my bosses and the opportunities I've stumbled on have all helped shape me. I am not content to sit still, and I know if I work hard enough at anything, I can succeed, but I'm not sure I'm ever good at bragging about it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Losing a good job is like a bad breakup
I've been thinking about this for the last few days... Losing a job you love is like a really bad breakup.
The Shock:
If you feel like you've loved someone with all your heart, or if you've had a job you really loved, to be broken up with is quite a shock. In most cases you never saw it coming. You were so in love, you just never thought it could happen. Even if there were little issues, you thought surely they are small, we will work through it and move on. So its a huge surprise
Your Future is Unknown:
With a significant other, you picture your future together, no matter if you are in high school love or in love in the later years. You picture having kids together, growing old together, or whatever the next stage is. With a job that you love, you picture your future there... you think about where you will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years... you imagine your promotions, your retirement party. You imagine all the things you will do with the company. But in either breakup, all of a sudden your future becomes blank, it becomes a clean slate.
The Stages:
You can read numerous online articles and even books on the stages of grief, the stages of a breakup, and the stages of job loss. All are pretty much exactly the same. Some combination of Shock, Denial, Isolation, Bargaining, Anger, Depression & Acceptance. You move through all of them in both cases. I can remember the first breakup that totally broke my heart. It was months before I really came out the other end.
The Comparisons:
For a while, maybe forever? You constantly compare every alternative to your former significant other or job. If you had a job you loved, no one is going to have exactly the same camaraderie, challenge, social scene, flexibility, benefits, location... on and on. Like former significant others, no one is as cute, as driven, as sweet, as much of a good dancer, as funny, etc... In both cases you wonder if you will ever have what you had again.
The What Did I Do? Phase:
Inevitably in both cases you will lay some blame on yourself. You will wonder what you did wrong to deserve this. With the significant other, maybe you could have paid more or less attention to them, maybe you were too needy, maybe you werent smart enough, maybe you nagged too much... With the job, maybe you didn't stand out enough, maybe you were too assertive, maybe you were difficult to work with, maybe you weren't fast enough, maybe you were too nitpicky... You wonder all the things you could have done differently to not be in the scenario you are in.
The Anger:
You start to dwell on all the things they did to wrong you. You start to think about the times they probably lied to you, the way they strung you along, all of the things they said they would do for you and never did. You rage about all of these things in your head, but there is no one left to yell at or fight with. Its over.
The Depression:
You start to think you will never find anyone or any job like the one you are mourning. You've figured out all of the things you did wrong and think they mean you will never be accepted again, or that you will have to settle for less than what you had. You become unsure of yourself and how to move on. You stare off into space a lot, or just want to sleep. You move through each day with dullness, without excitement. You feel alone and useless. You may have the energy to outwardly pretend its no big deal, but inside you've checked out.
Moving on...
With any luck, at some point you finally accept things and force yourself to move on, or maybe a friend or family member that forces you to get back on your feet and get moving. Sometimes you get back "in the game" right away... looking for another "special someone" or polishing up your resume and going on interviews.
Either way... a bad breakup, or a liked job breaking up with you... it hurts, a lot. You can only hope to move through it quickly and move on. If you are confident, you will get to the "Their Loss" stage, if you are not so confident, you will be a little scarred but hopefully will pick up and move on the next time. Either way, you end up a little more reserved in your judgement each time, you are a little more cautious about your choices, you worry that the next one may not be forever either...
The Shock:
If you feel like you've loved someone with all your heart, or if you've had a job you really loved, to be broken up with is quite a shock. In most cases you never saw it coming. You were so in love, you just never thought it could happen. Even if there were little issues, you thought surely they are small, we will work through it and move on. So its a huge surprise
Your Future is Unknown:
With a significant other, you picture your future together, no matter if you are in high school love or in love in the later years. You picture having kids together, growing old together, or whatever the next stage is. With a job that you love, you picture your future there... you think about where you will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years... you imagine your promotions, your retirement party. You imagine all the things you will do with the company. But in either breakup, all of a sudden your future becomes blank, it becomes a clean slate.
The Stages:
You can read numerous online articles and even books on the stages of grief, the stages of a breakup, and the stages of job loss. All are pretty much exactly the same. Some combination of Shock, Denial, Isolation, Bargaining, Anger, Depression & Acceptance. You move through all of them in both cases. I can remember the first breakup that totally broke my heart. It was months before I really came out the other end.
The Comparisons:
For a while, maybe forever? You constantly compare every alternative to your former significant other or job. If you had a job you loved, no one is going to have exactly the same camaraderie, challenge, social scene, flexibility, benefits, location... on and on. Like former significant others, no one is as cute, as driven, as sweet, as much of a good dancer, as funny, etc... In both cases you wonder if you will ever have what you had again.
The What Did I Do? Phase:
Inevitably in both cases you will lay some blame on yourself. You will wonder what you did wrong to deserve this. With the significant other, maybe you could have paid more or less attention to them, maybe you were too needy, maybe you werent smart enough, maybe you nagged too much... With the job, maybe you didn't stand out enough, maybe you were too assertive, maybe you were difficult to work with, maybe you weren't fast enough, maybe you were too nitpicky... You wonder all the things you could have done differently to not be in the scenario you are in.
The Anger:
You start to dwell on all the things they did to wrong you. You start to think about the times they probably lied to you, the way they strung you along, all of the things they said they would do for you and never did. You rage about all of these things in your head, but there is no one left to yell at or fight with. Its over.
The Depression:
You start to think you will never find anyone or any job like the one you are mourning. You've figured out all of the things you did wrong and think they mean you will never be accepted again, or that you will have to settle for less than what you had. You become unsure of yourself and how to move on. You stare off into space a lot, or just want to sleep. You move through each day with dullness, without excitement. You feel alone and useless. You may have the energy to outwardly pretend its no big deal, but inside you've checked out.
Moving on...
With any luck, at some point you finally accept things and force yourself to move on, or maybe a friend or family member that forces you to get back on your feet and get moving. Sometimes you get back "in the game" right away... looking for another "special someone" or polishing up your resume and going on interviews.
Either way... a bad breakup, or a liked job breaking up with you... it hurts, a lot. You can only hope to move through it quickly and move on. If you are confident, you will get to the "Their Loss" stage, if you are not so confident, you will be a little scarred but hopefully will pick up and move on the next time. Either way, you end up a little more reserved in your judgement each time, you are a little more cautious about your choices, you worry that the next one may not be forever either...
Friday, February 12, 2016
The Big Question
What do I want to be.... hmmm...
So yesterday was a power day... I got up, got the kids off to school with my husband and went out to have breakfast with a mentor (my former boss). I really like talking with her and I have learned so much from her. But I couldn't help thinking I sort of squandered our breakfast a bit. She listened to my concerns/worries and validated some of my current choices, but I couldnt help but think I wanted another 3 hours. I wanted to start diving into the big questions "how do I not get laid off again?" and "what do I want to be?". But breakfast was over all too fast, and I only achieved a friendly chat. I'll have to do better next time.
Quickly I had to get myself back on task... I had two phone interviews lined up (one of which was 3 people long!), and needed to touch base with a third company for a followup.
I nailed the first interview... it was for a Systems Engineering role, and although it is a bit further than I want to commute, I figured I'll keep my options open. Plus the recruiter was merciless. It was just an HR phone screen, but I found myself answering everything so eloquently, so right... despite the fact that I had a splitting headache. Maybe I was born to be a Systems Engineer. He quickly setup an onsite interview with the team. Check.
The second to come was a followup with the company I interviewed with already. I wasn't sure if this place was the right fit for me, so I thought I'd talk more with the hiring manager. At first I really wasnt sure what I wanted to ask, what would make me comfortable... but 20 minutes of thought and I had pulled together some good questions. Nailed that too. I had a really really good talk with the manager. She and I got along really well, and she had some great answers, visions and understandings. I'll still need to decide if this place is the right fit, but I'm pretty sure I'll get the offer. Its nice to know there is a place where I could add value and make a difference.
The third was the three person interview. I had originally asked if it could be on onsite, but they said the hiring manager was traveling, so they just wanted to do the phone screen for now. The first interviewer and I could have talked for hours. He had some good questions that I answered well, and I countered with some good questions that made him think and come up with good responses. The second interviewer is the woman who would be my boss. That one was a bit tougher, she asked some good questions, and occasionally we stepped on eachothers words, but I think I answered well and again was able to ask a few good questions. She definitely seemed driven and could be a good boss if we get along. The third was the director, turns out he wasnt on travel, but maybe he just got back? His interview was very interesting. He had somewhat standard but reasonably insightful questions "what are you most proud of about your work at X company?", "what would you have done differently?", and we walked through my career with similar style questions. I hadn't really completed that exercise in my interview prep yet, but I had done that kind of thing in the past, so my answers were fairly natural even if off the cuff. His last one threw me a bit though. I was so used to his very standard type questions that I wasnt thinking bigger or creatively. He asked "money and everything else aside, if you could be anywhere, and have any job, where would you be with what job?". At first I took it kind of literally... "I'd want to work in Framingham, its where I live and I have 2 young kids so no commute would be amazing" (I could hear him pausing) "and... I think I really like being a PM, my SE jobs..." he sort of interrupted "but you could be anything".... "Oh anything?" There is that big question... WHAT do I want to be when I grow up? But he was asking bigger, more creatively... to me right now WHAT do I want to be when I grow up needs to be tangible, I need to be able to see a path there, and it needs to be something that fits into the lifestyle that I want. But I kind of took his bait, and said "Oh, well, I really loved mentoring high school kids in FIRST robotics, so I guess if I could get paid to do that, I definitely would... yeah... that or a professional chef" I could hear him smile and laugh a bit.
He indicated that he would talk with the other interviewers but that they would likely bring me onsite soon, another checkmark for the day.
But that question still rattles around in my mind. If I could be anything, anywhere, what would it be? I used to be a bit more of a dreamer. Thinking I could follow any passion I wanted. But I've also been practical in my job choices, generally trying to choose something that will help me advance my career, learn new things, build my resume. I'm definitely feeling like Im at the more practical stage right now. I love our family, our house, our friends. All of that is what makes me happy right now. Yes I want a job that I can achieve at, and I don't want to hurt my career, but my job really has so rarely been my passion. My FIRST teams were my passion, the events that I ran, the character MC that my husband and I built, and my kids... those are my passions. My job is secondary. I like being able to achieve in my job, and I like the lifestyle a job provides, but its secondary to the rest of my life. I want my job to enable my ability to live the life I want. Maybe thats what I want to be when I grow up...
So yesterday was a power day... I got up, got the kids off to school with my husband and went out to have breakfast with a mentor (my former boss). I really like talking with her and I have learned so much from her. But I couldn't help thinking I sort of squandered our breakfast a bit. She listened to my concerns/worries and validated some of my current choices, but I couldnt help but think I wanted another 3 hours. I wanted to start diving into the big questions "how do I not get laid off again?" and "what do I want to be?". But breakfast was over all too fast, and I only achieved a friendly chat. I'll have to do better next time.
Quickly I had to get myself back on task... I had two phone interviews lined up (one of which was 3 people long!), and needed to touch base with a third company for a followup.
I nailed the first interview... it was for a Systems Engineering role, and although it is a bit further than I want to commute, I figured I'll keep my options open. Plus the recruiter was merciless. It was just an HR phone screen, but I found myself answering everything so eloquently, so right... despite the fact that I had a splitting headache. Maybe I was born to be a Systems Engineer. He quickly setup an onsite interview with the team. Check.
The second to come was a followup with the company I interviewed with already. I wasn't sure if this place was the right fit for me, so I thought I'd talk more with the hiring manager. At first I really wasnt sure what I wanted to ask, what would make me comfortable... but 20 minutes of thought and I had pulled together some good questions. Nailed that too. I had a really really good talk with the manager. She and I got along really well, and she had some great answers, visions and understandings. I'll still need to decide if this place is the right fit, but I'm pretty sure I'll get the offer. Its nice to know there is a place where I could add value and make a difference.
The third was the three person interview. I had originally asked if it could be on onsite, but they said the hiring manager was traveling, so they just wanted to do the phone screen for now. The first interviewer and I could have talked for hours. He had some good questions that I answered well, and I countered with some good questions that made him think and come up with good responses. The second interviewer is the woman who would be my boss. That one was a bit tougher, she asked some good questions, and occasionally we stepped on eachothers words, but I think I answered well and again was able to ask a few good questions. She definitely seemed driven and could be a good boss if we get along. The third was the director, turns out he wasnt on travel, but maybe he just got back? His interview was very interesting. He had somewhat standard but reasonably insightful questions "what are you most proud of about your work at X company?", "what would you have done differently?", and we walked through my career with similar style questions. I hadn't really completed that exercise in my interview prep yet, but I had done that kind of thing in the past, so my answers were fairly natural even if off the cuff. His last one threw me a bit though. I was so used to his very standard type questions that I wasnt thinking bigger or creatively. He asked "money and everything else aside, if you could be anywhere, and have any job, where would you be with what job?". At first I took it kind of literally... "I'd want to work in Framingham, its where I live and I have 2 young kids so no commute would be amazing" (I could hear him pausing) "and... I think I really like being a PM, my SE jobs..." he sort of interrupted "but you could be anything".... "Oh anything?" There is that big question... WHAT do I want to be when I grow up? But he was asking bigger, more creatively... to me right now WHAT do I want to be when I grow up needs to be tangible, I need to be able to see a path there, and it needs to be something that fits into the lifestyle that I want. But I kind of took his bait, and said "Oh, well, I really loved mentoring high school kids in FIRST robotics, so I guess if I could get paid to do that, I definitely would... yeah... that or a professional chef" I could hear him smile and laugh a bit.
He indicated that he would talk with the other interviewers but that they would likely bring me onsite soon, another checkmark for the day.
But that question still rattles around in my mind. If I could be anything, anywhere, what would it be? I used to be a bit more of a dreamer. Thinking I could follow any passion I wanted. But I've also been practical in my job choices, generally trying to choose something that will help me advance my career, learn new things, build my resume. I'm definitely feeling like Im at the more practical stage right now. I love our family, our house, our friends. All of that is what makes me happy right now. Yes I want a job that I can achieve at, and I don't want to hurt my career, but my job really has so rarely been my passion. My FIRST teams were my passion, the events that I ran, the character MC that my husband and I built, and my kids... those are my passions. My job is secondary. I like being able to achieve in my job, and I like the lifestyle a job provides, but its secondary to the rest of my life. I want my job to enable my ability to live the life I want. Maybe thats what I want to be when I grow up...
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
A Rough New Beginning
Hmm... where to begin?
So 2 weeks ago, I experienced my second layoff in less than 3 years. I find myself back in the job pool searching, hunting, and trying to decide what I really want to do with myself.
The good news is most days I am incredibly self confident. I know I have a really strong skillset. I know that my passion and drive can get me most anything I want. I've founded robotics teams on this passion, I've gotten jobs on this passion, I've run events on this passion. I can get incredibly invested and excited about anything I sink my teeth into, and then I can often get others to believe in me.
But Im still reeling a bit... I still feel smacked upside the head by my layoff from Bose. I drank gallons of their koolaid, and I'm still desperately trying to throw it all up so I can move on. When I joined I ate up their recruiting process... they only hired people that were very very much a fit. I loved their orientation processes - they spent a day inducting you, another day giving you tours of all of the groups and awesome technologies, another day sending you on a scavenger hunt of crazy cool things around the company, and managers gave you super detailed checklists of all of the things you should do for the first month or two. I checked every box, I got involved in helping run the scavenger hunts, I even hired an employee into my group to work for me. The vision and mission of the company were so in line with everything I thought I wanted. I wanted to make a career there. I found myself daydreaming about where I would be in 5 or 10 or 20 years there.
As I dug into the job, I took it on with every fiber of my being. Not only was it a really high profile project, it was challenging, it was something I hadnt done before and really needed to put in the effort to learn and ramp up. But I had a phenomenal manager who supported me, answered all my questions, and gave me confidence to move forward. I started up two programs, one as a refurbishment and color of the current headset, and one for a great technology revision of the headset I was managing. Even when the scope was chopped by management, I still believed in it, I still pushed to get it to new markets, I still did everything I could to make it successful. I found ways to use their process, I found ways to work around their process, I got to know people who could help, I incessantly begged for resources. I planned and replanned and backup planned.
In the middle of all of this I found out I was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. We had wanted 2 kids, but didnt really think it would be so soon. In my overplanning of my life, I had figured I would finish my major program that I was hired for, and then have my second child. But things happened sooner than expected. So I found myself in the middle of my big program, setting it up to run while I was on maternity leave. I spent tons of time coming up with lists of tasks I was working on, I spent time getting the PM who would replace me up to speed, I spent time writing up issues of things to come... all so my program could run for 2-3 months while I was gone.
Then I gave birth to our second beautiful baby girl. It was 2 weeks early, but I had even managed to sort of plan for that. The Friday I left, I had wrapped up most everything.
Fast forward a few months. I returned part time (2days per week) when my second was 2 months old. I HATED sending her to daycare so young, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I could make sure I was paid the entire time, get paid for my holidays, and I could make sure my program stayed on track. After the holidays, I jumped back in full time. Another sort of difficult transition, it was constantly exhausting... two kids waking up at all odd hours, trying to function full time at work, but I was trying to give myself some room and get back in the swing of things.
And then it happened. The email. An email, seemingly innocent that upper management was going to send someone on a trip for my program... and they hadn't even talked to me about it. A trip that would be my first trip since my second child. I read between the lines, and soon realized that I was going to be part of the next round of layoffs. I was absolutely crushed. I loved my program, I loved my job, I loved my manager, I loved working for Bose. The koolaid suddenly became bitter. For the next 2.5 weeks I had to PRETEND that I knew nothing. I had to pretend to care... all while panicking inside.
I think I put up a good front. I loved my program so much that I continued to set it up for success. Admittedly, as the other PM tried to transition stuff back to me, I resisted a bit, instead laying out plans for its future. Trying to make sure the details would be covered once again when I was gone. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was all I could do to stay sane. To pretend to many like all was still ok, while I sobbed my way home nearly every night, sometimes crying myself to sleep. To make matters worse, I also figured out that they were likely laying off my employee... my friend.
So many awful questions ran through my head:
- What had I done to be the bottom of the barrel? Was my persistence difficult to work with?
- Should I have said I wanted the other job that I might have had the option for when I was hired?
- Why did I drag my friend into this??
- Had I done too good a job of setting up the other PM to run the program while I was gone? made it look like it was easy so that anyone could run it in my place?
- Why hadnt I done more to broadcast my & my employee's successes??
- Who had made the decision? It was done while I was on maternity leave wasnt it...
Eventually it happened. That day we took it in stride. I cried a little, but we said goodbye, packed up our stuff and headed to the bar with some coworkers. We celebrated what had been and made those still there swear to try to keep our program alive. It was the next night that wrecked me. The questions above and so so many scenarios... did they lie to me? raced through my head over and over. I became angry.
I forced myself in the middle of this to blearily update my resume and get it up online. I figured it would take forever... Id start the process again and it would be weeks of hunting and applying. Within a day of posting, I had recruiters calling and emailing me left and right. It was overwhelming. I couldnt keep up with the leads. A good problem to have you might say... and I know I shouldnt complain. But I find myself with too many more questions...
- What do I want to be now?
- What does this look like on my resume? Laid off twice, are companies going to start to think there's a reason related to me? is there??
- How do I just find something that is stable? Ive now worked for both big and small companies that were hiring/growing, and both laid me off. How do I not get laid off again??
- Can I find something that allows me to keep my family first? reasonable commute, etc?
So here I am... wondering what to do with myself. Several interviews lined up, trying to figure out if its my fake passion or a real passion for any of them... wondering if I know what I really want to do... wondering what is going to be good for my career... what will be good for my resume... what will be good for me & my family... and I am not sure I know how to find the answers. But hopefully soon I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up..........
So 2 weeks ago, I experienced my second layoff in less than 3 years. I find myself back in the job pool searching, hunting, and trying to decide what I really want to do with myself.
The good news is most days I am incredibly self confident. I know I have a really strong skillset. I know that my passion and drive can get me most anything I want. I've founded robotics teams on this passion, I've gotten jobs on this passion, I've run events on this passion. I can get incredibly invested and excited about anything I sink my teeth into, and then I can often get others to believe in me.
But Im still reeling a bit... I still feel smacked upside the head by my layoff from Bose. I drank gallons of their koolaid, and I'm still desperately trying to throw it all up so I can move on. When I joined I ate up their recruiting process... they only hired people that were very very much a fit. I loved their orientation processes - they spent a day inducting you, another day giving you tours of all of the groups and awesome technologies, another day sending you on a scavenger hunt of crazy cool things around the company, and managers gave you super detailed checklists of all of the things you should do for the first month or two. I checked every box, I got involved in helping run the scavenger hunts, I even hired an employee into my group to work for me. The vision and mission of the company were so in line with everything I thought I wanted. I wanted to make a career there. I found myself daydreaming about where I would be in 5 or 10 or 20 years there.
As I dug into the job, I took it on with every fiber of my being. Not only was it a really high profile project, it was challenging, it was something I hadnt done before and really needed to put in the effort to learn and ramp up. But I had a phenomenal manager who supported me, answered all my questions, and gave me confidence to move forward. I started up two programs, one as a refurbishment and color of the current headset, and one for a great technology revision of the headset I was managing. Even when the scope was chopped by management, I still believed in it, I still pushed to get it to new markets, I still did everything I could to make it successful. I found ways to use their process, I found ways to work around their process, I got to know people who could help, I incessantly begged for resources. I planned and replanned and backup planned.
In the middle of all of this I found out I was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. We had wanted 2 kids, but didnt really think it would be so soon. In my overplanning of my life, I had figured I would finish my major program that I was hired for, and then have my second child. But things happened sooner than expected. So I found myself in the middle of my big program, setting it up to run while I was on maternity leave. I spent tons of time coming up with lists of tasks I was working on, I spent time getting the PM who would replace me up to speed, I spent time writing up issues of things to come... all so my program could run for 2-3 months while I was gone.
Then I gave birth to our second beautiful baby girl. It was 2 weeks early, but I had even managed to sort of plan for that. The Friday I left, I had wrapped up most everything.
Fast forward a few months. I returned part time (2days per week) when my second was 2 months old. I HATED sending her to daycare so young, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I could make sure I was paid the entire time, get paid for my holidays, and I could make sure my program stayed on track. After the holidays, I jumped back in full time. Another sort of difficult transition, it was constantly exhausting... two kids waking up at all odd hours, trying to function full time at work, but I was trying to give myself some room and get back in the swing of things.
And then it happened. The email. An email, seemingly innocent that upper management was going to send someone on a trip for my program... and they hadn't even talked to me about it. A trip that would be my first trip since my second child. I read between the lines, and soon realized that I was going to be part of the next round of layoffs. I was absolutely crushed. I loved my program, I loved my job, I loved my manager, I loved working for Bose. The koolaid suddenly became bitter. For the next 2.5 weeks I had to PRETEND that I knew nothing. I had to pretend to care... all while panicking inside.
I think I put up a good front. I loved my program so much that I continued to set it up for success. Admittedly, as the other PM tried to transition stuff back to me, I resisted a bit, instead laying out plans for its future. Trying to make sure the details would be covered once again when I was gone. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was all I could do to stay sane. To pretend to many like all was still ok, while I sobbed my way home nearly every night, sometimes crying myself to sleep. To make matters worse, I also figured out that they were likely laying off my employee... my friend.
So many awful questions ran through my head:
- What had I done to be the bottom of the barrel? Was my persistence difficult to work with?
- Should I have said I wanted the other job that I might have had the option for when I was hired?
- Why did I drag my friend into this??
- Had I done too good a job of setting up the other PM to run the program while I was gone? made it look like it was easy so that anyone could run it in my place?
- Why hadnt I done more to broadcast my & my employee's successes??
- Who had made the decision? It was done while I was on maternity leave wasnt it...
Eventually it happened. That day we took it in stride. I cried a little, but we said goodbye, packed up our stuff and headed to the bar with some coworkers. We celebrated what had been and made those still there swear to try to keep our program alive. It was the next night that wrecked me. The questions above and so so many scenarios... did they lie to me? raced through my head over and over. I became angry.
I forced myself in the middle of this to blearily update my resume and get it up online. I figured it would take forever... Id start the process again and it would be weeks of hunting and applying. Within a day of posting, I had recruiters calling and emailing me left and right. It was overwhelming. I couldnt keep up with the leads. A good problem to have you might say... and I know I shouldnt complain. But I find myself with too many more questions...
- What do I want to be now?
- What does this look like on my resume? Laid off twice, are companies going to start to think there's a reason related to me? is there??
- How do I just find something that is stable? Ive now worked for both big and small companies that were hiring/growing, and both laid me off. How do I not get laid off again??
- Can I find something that allows me to keep my family first? reasonable commute, etc?
So here I am... wondering what to do with myself. Several interviews lined up, trying to figure out if its my fake passion or a real passion for any of them... wondering if I know what I really want to do... wondering what is going to be good for my career... what will be good for my resume... what will be good for me & my family... and I am not sure I know how to find the answers. But hopefully soon I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up..........
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