It's almost 3am.
Today we received our performance reviews. I knew it was coming, but no matter how hard I tried, it didn't make it any easier. I spent the whole morning worrying about it, but then took to trying to read "how to receive a bad performance review". There were actually a number of great articles, and at one point this morning, I actually felt pretty positive and determined to figure out how to make the meeting go well.
I think the problem was I had focused on the positives. I feel like I have made a lot of progress over the year, and while it probably shouldn't have taken this long, I finally hit a reasonable stride. The team seems to be functioning well and we are moving along despite some of the issues that would have frozen us in the past.
As I sat down for the review, my boss covered that overall his group is getting good approval ratings all the way up to the CEO. And that while there are some things to work on "we'll get there". He then discussed some of his performance review and some of his plans to improve. And then gave me my review to read.
Some of it I expected... some of it I was blindsided by. As I read further and further into the 10+ page document it became clear that their picture of me was bleak. Ratings all over the place were "basic contributor". I've never in my entire career seen that rating on one of my reviews. The 2 out of 5 scale... when 5 is awesome. I've always received 3-4, sometimes 5. NEVER a 2. But here, all over these pages were piles of 2s.
I was told that there was feedback from at least 3 people in there. I know one of the people was the director of marking... and by her scathing comments, its now confirmed, she doesnt like me. I struggle with how to react to this. Part of me thinks she took her impression long ago, and is now just trying to find details in every interaction with me that justify it, and that there is no way for me to ever repair that. She made the comment that I shouldnt pad my schedules, I should present realistic ones. The two factors there that are making my head spin is that every 15+ month project has a number of unknowns at the start, and will never run perfectly, so call it padding, buffer or just "scheduled time for the unknown", whatever you want to call it, you can't take it all out that early AND present dates you know you can meet. I've been ripped into at this company for "slipping" dates, so of course I'd want a little bit of "time for the unknown" in there. And by the way, the schedule that was in discussion,which I removed the padding from... is now slipping out as I type. So I struggle with a number of her comments in there. Part of me sees them and somewhat understands what she's saying, its not untrue, its just a different perspective & perception of how I saw the situations. Part of me is incredibly frustrated that it is all negative. I don't know if she will ever be able to see me as capable. I had the thought to just walk into her office next week and ask her, "How do we start over? How do I change your perception of me?". I think this would either have a small chance at success, or just completely tank. Then perhaps the final part of me just wants to walk away. There is probably very little likelihood of changing her perception. It took a full year for her to grow this disdain and lack of trust, it would take at least twice as long to erase it I think.
As for the other people, I havent completely figured out who. I know there is no feedback from the team members I manage - my engineers, designer, ID... none of them were asked for input. I guess maybe there is some feedback from the China team, but I dont know if that is my bosses interpretation of their perceptions of me, or if it is their actual written perception of me. It was suggested I sit down and do 360s with a number of people. For my own sanity, I plan to reach out to everyone I've worked with in the company. If everyone else's perspective of me is this bleak, perhaps I shouldn't be a PM.
I'll ask:
1. What 1 or 2 things do I do well, that I should keep doing?
2. What 1 or 2 things should I improve upon?
3. What is your overall rating of my performance (1-5)
4. What is your overall opinion of my performance as a PM?
I think the other thing that really really bothers me the most about all of this is that our VP of engineering had to sign off on these reviews. I've had a number of good discussions with him. I thought he saw me as a capable PM. I knew he wanted to see improvement from me, but I thought he'd at least see me as a "successful contributor". So it hurts that he signed off on this. I think I'm struggling most with that. I don't see my boss or the director of marketing as good managers - I feel both of them have had poor training as supervisors and really just don't know how to get the best out of people.
Unfortunately 3/4 the way into my review something flipped. I had been able to "take it" up until that point. I just couldnt take 40 minutes of negativity. The next 20 minutes I fought back tears and anger. Just begging the clock to say 3pm so I could leave. It ended late and I walked out the door. I tossed my papers on my desk grabbed my water and ran outside... and bawled. I kicked myself. I knew it was coming, I wanted the meeting to go better, but it was so hard to overcome the feeling of not being enough, of not seeing how I could possibly work harder, of not having a clear path towards changing people's minds, of not having had goals for a full year, of not having a clear understanding of the expectations of me.
On one hand, now more than ever I feel this ridiculous stubbornness arising... telling me I am NEVER content to not be good at something. In my head I go over and over ways to fix each and every single point. Step by step, how to improve the review for next year. I know I am making a positive impact on a lot of people there. I want to sit down with the review, and line by line create a "performance improvement plan" a 30-60-90 plan... And prove to everyone there that I'm strong and capable, let them see who I know I am.
On the other hand, I want to follow my one foot out the door. This place feels toxic. I don't know that I'll ever be able to change their opinions. I know I can't change them, and my boss is just awful to work for. I can't tell if I'm growing because I'm learning how to work in such an insanely difficult environment, or if I am just failing all over the place, and doomed for continual failure. I just dont know. The easy road is certainly the one out the door.
All sorts of things swirl through my head... part of me wants to go in on Monday and quit. Its not worth the stress, the anxiety, the frustration, the huge amount of effort and emotional drain that it takes. I'm tired of hating my job. But the uncertainty of that financial picture holds me back. I like that we can send our kids to a good daycare where they learn and grow so much. We can't afford that and everything else without my salary. I know in a pinch we could make it work, but after job hunting with that over my head before, I'm not sure its a place I want to be.
It also makes it hard to believe in myself... to know what path I want to take. Am I really fit to pursue another job? Or am I going to fail there too? Maybe I got laid off because these other companies saw what this one did, and just didnt have to articulate it before they let me go. Doubts like that creep in. Maybe I need to go back to just being an individual contributor. Or maybe just working on my own is better.
3:30am is not when I'll solve all this. I really don't know yet where to go from here. Head down, bite my tongue, bide my time until I can find a new job? Or walk in on Monday super determined, try to fix all my issues, but continue to see if something better is available? Or go in and protest a bit, see if I can show the corruption? Or maybe some combination of those...? I dont really know.
Honestly, I just want to sleep... I dont know that my head will let me... but Im tired.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Monday, April 17, 2017
Finding Me...
Well, I survived a year. I'm not really sure how else to put it. I'm under the thumb of a micromanager fighting heartily to get out. I'm not good at playing games. I'm not good at bottling things up. At times I have faulted myself for this. But I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't. I'm starting to think that it is part of who I am, and it's part of what makes me strong. I'm passionate. This passion is not something that is easily hidden. Could I be more eloquent? Sure. Could I learn to play the politics? Sure. But why? Perhaps to be a better upward influencer. I am finding that I am great at influencing my teams. I can get others to rally around me and head in one direction.
For most of this week, I've been questioning what my next step should be. I had updated my resume and piled up a handful of jobs to apply to as well as companies to look at. I started my networking, contacting people who could get me "in", learning about the new roles and thinking about how to tailor my resume and write cover letters.
But as I did that, I started reading some of the "how to find a job you love" links, and I started filling out some of the questionnaires, I started pondering what else I should consider. And as I dug more into the potential roles, I realized that they were less optimal than I thought. The one that sounded like a stretch but doable (Robotics Process Automation), turns out is not really about robotics in the way I was thinking it was - there is no hardware, its all IT/Software type stuff. I became less interested. The one at Bose that I had my eye on turned out to already be filled... I felt a little crushed at this news, but in going back and reading some of the anger I had, perhaps its a good thing. While I may still apply, perhaps I shouldnt go back. It would be somewhat comfortable and it has the overarching culture I'm looking for (flexibility and freedom and trust), but I'm not sure they inspire me as much as they once did. I want to be enthralled, I want to be excited again.
One of the "jobs you love" sites had me thinking back to what I loved in my childhood, and what I really enjoyed the most.
I like people. I like planning and hosting parties. I like helping people grow and develop. I like working with teams and figuring out how to get teams to work. I like mentoring students, engineers and other adults. I like asking questions and helping them figure out answers. I like figuring out what makes people tick.
I like watching people - one of my favorite parts of event photography was capturing moments. That moment the student is lost in thought planning for the next match, the moment of shear elation or frustration at the end of a match, the intense concentration of drivers on the field, the nervous parent in the stands, the adorable little brother cheering his heart out, the introverted kids learning to dance, the safety captain anxiously talking to a Judge, the pit crew fervently trying to fix the broken axel. Those moments are what are so real and raw.
So the more I think... the more I realize longterm I don't belong in the standard corporate world. I feel the urge to become a trainer, a coach, someone who mentors others. Now there are plenty of paths to get there. I could go into Engineering Management for a while and gain more experience as a supervisor, I could take an Education and Development role within an engineering corporation, I could do things more informally as I'm starting to do in my current job, and start reaching out and making connections to Leadership training groups and people. Find ones to emulate, understand their stories and how they got there.
Or I could follow my passions of Art (Photography) and Event planning and try to figure out how to make it in those worlds.
I think at any rate, I need to find a way out of my current job. It's too much stress on a day to day basis. I don't have to LOVE my job, but I'm really tired of hating it. I can't continue like that. And I feel like for now, while the girls are still in daycare, I'd probably be more comfortable playing it safe. But maybe I target 4 years from now, when both are in school, to be planned and ready for a "new life". Hey, I spent more than 6 months planning my college FIRST team before I started it, and nearly a year planning my corporate FIRST team before I started it. 4 years to plan the rest of my life sounds like a good idea.
But in the meantime... I guess I should get back to resume writing....
For most of this week, I've been questioning what my next step should be. I had updated my resume and piled up a handful of jobs to apply to as well as companies to look at. I started my networking, contacting people who could get me "in", learning about the new roles and thinking about how to tailor my resume and write cover letters.
But as I did that, I started reading some of the "how to find a job you love" links, and I started filling out some of the questionnaires, I started pondering what else I should consider. And as I dug more into the potential roles, I realized that they were less optimal than I thought. The one that sounded like a stretch but doable (Robotics Process Automation), turns out is not really about robotics in the way I was thinking it was - there is no hardware, its all IT/Software type stuff. I became less interested. The one at Bose that I had my eye on turned out to already be filled... I felt a little crushed at this news, but in going back and reading some of the anger I had, perhaps its a good thing. While I may still apply, perhaps I shouldnt go back. It would be somewhat comfortable and it has the overarching culture I'm looking for (flexibility and freedom and trust), but I'm not sure they inspire me as much as they once did. I want to be enthralled, I want to be excited again.
One of the "jobs you love" sites had me thinking back to what I loved in my childhood, and what I really enjoyed the most.
I like people. I like planning and hosting parties. I like helping people grow and develop. I like working with teams and figuring out how to get teams to work. I like mentoring students, engineers and other adults. I like asking questions and helping them figure out answers. I like figuring out what makes people tick.
I like watching people - one of my favorite parts of event photography was capturing moments. That moment the student is lost in thought planning for the next match, the moment of shear elation or frustration at the end of a match, the intense concentration of drivers on the field, the nervous parent in the stands, the adorable little brother cheering his heart out, the introverted kids learning to dance, the safety captain anxiously talking to a Judge, the pit crew fervently trying to fix the broken axel. Those moments are what are so real and raw.
So the more I think... the more I realize longterm I don't belong in the standard corporate world. I feel the urge to become a trainer, a coach, someone who mentors others. Now there are plenty of paths to get there. I could go into Engineering Management for a while and gain more experience as a supervisor, I could take an Education and Development role within an engineering corporation, I could do things more informally as I'm starting to do in my current job, and start reaching out and making connections to Leadership training groups and people. Find ones to emulate, understand their stories and how they got there.
Or I could follow my passions of Art (Photography) and Event planning and try to figure out how to make it in those worlds.
I think at any rate, I need to find a way out of my current job. It's too much stress on a day to day basis. I don't have to LOVE my job, but I'm really tired of hating it. I can't continue like that. And I feel like for now, while the girls are still in daycare, I'd probably be more comfortable playing it safe. But maybe I target 4 years from now, when both are in school, to be planned and ready for a "new life". Hey, I spent more than 6 months planning my college FIRST team before I started it, and nearly a year planning my corporate FIRST team before I started it. 4 years to plan the rest of my life sounds like a good idea.
But in the meantime... I guess I should get back to resume writing....
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Go Away....
Are you FREAKING kidding me???
This mantra repeated over and over in my head as I slammed my hands into my steering wheel and hot tears streamed down my cheeks faster than I could shut them out. This really is like a really awful, awful breakup. One that you just cant get away from.
It was hard enough that Im struggling to find happiness at my new job. Management is sucking the life out of me. Everything that holds me back, everything that makes me frustrated with my day, I can look back and say "wow it never would have been that way at my last job". Its harder, knowing that the NFL season is coming up... and a day that I used to look forward to, Im eyeing with a mix of dread and anticipation, knowing that its going to bring back the pain a bit. Part of me hates that something so simple as watching a sport that was once fun, will now be a little bit of a stab over and over.
This evening was a full on rollercoaster. I found out that my old company hired one of our PE's. I knew this PE was changing positions internally, as I knew he was frustrated with management. I could tell he was reasonably smart, but he is not always the best communicator, and struggles in some areas. Nice guy, but not the best PE/PM I've ever worked with. And he just got a job with them. The company that deemed me unworthy of any of their jobs. I started thinking back to all the Koolaid I drank, how Dr. Bose really cared about people as individuals, and how he and management often saw in people what they were capable of, rather than what their resume said. Yet this guy I work with was hired because he had worked with China. A bullet point on his resume. A fucking bullet point. There I said it. Maybe this is why they let me go. I'm too emotional, Im too open. They'd rather someone who doesnt rock the boat. They'd rather someone who doesnt challege or put emotion into their work. I get it. Its oddly something I had worked on and gotten better at, but now I feel like I must be failing and regressing. I blamed my emotion at Bose for the fact that I was pregnant for 9 months of my time there. What an awful time to be making a new impression. I know that Im a good PM, a good decision maker. My former boss told me that, and I can even see it in how Im starting to make decisions in my new job. But that's near impossible to quantify on a resume or in a review or in a list of people that are going to get laid off. Who cares?
And thats what gets me... As my head reeled, and this guy pressed me for "give me some details, what will it be like, what should I watch out for, can I have some pointers". All I could think is WTF? That should be ME, not YOU. As I go back and forth wondering if I could really do it, if I could really go back without feeling like a second class citizen and constantly watching my back, part of me is insanely jealous. The culture that I loved, the job that I enjoyed, the people that I worked with, the boss who was the best in my career... all gone... and he gets to have it. WTF.
I rambled on about their new VP of Engineering... the guy who was once the head of our division... who was amazingly smart and always asked perfect to the point questions... the guy who saw no value in my skills... The guy whom to which I was just a number... just a number, in a culture that was so about people. WTF. Im so mystified. A culture that so cared about its people that it cut a TON of good ones. Shut down its only remaining US manufacturing, exported its US call center, and then sold off the rest of its plants. To the way of the outsourcing they go. Its all about the money, all about the business. They try to say they are about innovation, but they are not. How could they be about innovation and people when all they are are "fast followers" and their people are "just numbers"? Yet I yearn so badly to be back there. I dont know why I guess. I couldnt trust anyone there anymore anyway. But would it be better than where I am?????
Tonight, I threw out my Bose cup... the one I earned in my six sigma class. Think about that... how much time and money did they invest in training me... me a useless number? Shoulda used that money for someone else I guess. The cup was a constant reminder... that stupid last push, I had to finish up a bunch of work for the class after returning from maternity leave. And I finished it even after I found out they were going to lay me off. I walked through the line of management who smiled and shook my hand heartily congratulating me, knowing that they wouldnt have to see my face again in a few weeks. And none of them cared. Even worse, the guy who was my mentor at the start, ignored me at the end. Never really said goodbye, never displayed an ounce of sadness that I was leaving, just gave up on me.
I need to let go. I need to get angry and let go. I need to understand that they are no better than any other business, maybe even worse, as they preach one thing and do another. They've drifted from Dr. Bose's ideals and can't see it. Im not sure Im ready to turn my back on them, but I probably need to give up on going back. They dont want me. They never really did.
This mantra repeated over and over in my head as I slammed my hands into my steering wheel and hot tears streamed down my cheeks faster than I could shut them out. This really is like a really awful, awful breakup. One that you just cant get away from.
It was hard enough that Im struggling to find happiness at my new job. Management is sucking the life out of me. Everything that holds me back, everything that makes me frustrated with my day, I can look back and say "wow it never would have been that way at my last job". Its harder, knowing that the NFL season is coming up... and a day that I used to look forward to, Im eyeing with a mix of dread and anticipation, knowing that its going to bring back the pain a bit. Part of me hates that something so simple as watching a sport that was once fun, will now be a little bit of a stab over and over.
This evening was a full on rollercoaster. I found out that my old company hired one of our PE's. I knew this PE was changing positions internally, as I knew he was frustrated with management. I could tell he was reasonably smart, but he is not always the best communicator, and struggles in some areas. Nice guy, but not the best PE/PM I've ever worked with. And he just got a job with them. The company that deemed me unworthy of any of their jobs. I started thinking back to all the Koolaid I drank, how Dr. Bose really cared about people as individuals, and how he and management often saw in people what they were capable of, rather than what their resume said. Yet this guy I work with was hired because he had worked with China. A bullet point on his resume. A fucking bullet point. There I said it. Maybe this is why they let me go. I'm too emotional, Im too open. They'd rather someone who doesnt rock the boat. They'd rather someone who doesnt challege or put emotion into their work. I get it. Its oddly something I had worked on and gotten better at, but now I feel like I must be failing and regressing. I blamed my emotion at Bose for the fact that I was pregnant for 9 months of my time there. What an awful time to be making a new impression. I know that Im a good PM, a good decision maker. My former boss told me that, and I can even see it in how Im starting to make decisions in my new job. But that's near impossible to quantify on a resume or in a review or in a list of people that are going to get laid off. Who cares?
And thats what gets me... As my head reeled, and this guy pressed me for "give me some details, what will it be like, what should I watch out for, can I have some pointers". All I could think is WTF? That should be ME, not YOU. As I go back and forth wondering if I could really do it, if I could really go back without feeling like a second class citizen and constantly watching my back, part of me is insanely jealous. The culture that I loved, the job that I enjoyed, the people that I worked with, the boss who was the best in my career... all gone... and he gets to have it. WTF.
I rambled on about their new VP of Engineering... the guy who was once the head of our division... who was amazingly smart and always asked perfect to the point questions... the guy who saw no value in my skills... The guy whom to which I was just a number... just a number, in a culture that was so about people. WTF. Im so mystified. A culture that so cared about its people that it cut a TON of good ones. Shut down its only remaining US manufacturing, exported its US call center, and then sold off the rest of its plants. To the way of the outsourcing they go. Its all about the money, all about the business. They try to say they are about innovation, but they are not. How could they be about innovation and people when all they are are "fast followers" and their people are "just numbers"? Yet I yearn so badly to be back there. I dont know why I guess. I couldnt trust anyone there anymore anyway. But would it be better than where I am?????
Tonight, I threw out my Bose cup... the one I earned in my six sigma class. Think about that... how much time and money did they invest in training me... me a useless number? Shoulda used that money for someone else I guess. The cup was a constant reminder... that stupid last push, I had to finish up a bunch of work for the class after returning from maternity leave. And I finished it even after I found out they were going to lay me off. I walked through the line of management who smiled and shook my hand heartily congratulating me, knowing that they wouldnt have to see my face again in a few weeks. And none of them cared. Even worse, the guy who was my mentor at the start, ignored me at the end. Never really said goodbye, never displayed an ounce of sadness that I was leaving, just gave up on me.
I need to let go. I need to get angry and let go. I need to understand that they are no better than any other business, maybe even worse, as they preach one thing and do another. They've drifted from Dr. Bose's ideals and can't see it. Im not sure Im ready to turn my back on them, but I probably need to give up on going back. They dont want me. They never really did.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Will Time Help?
When does the anger subside? Yesterday marked 3 months since I was laid off, but maybe 3.5 since I knew. I have a new job, we've settled into a routine, and things at home are starting to get back to normal. The new job isnt everything I've dreamed of, but I can make it work, and really I should be thankful I found something so quick.
Yet it still hurts. Every day I drive by my old office... 10 minutes into my 30 minute commute. I try not to look, but my heart sinks every time I dont take the turn. I curse that I have to spend another 40 minutes away from my kids every day. When I panick trying to get out of work at the end of the day, feeling like Im disappointing my new boss, knowing I will never really live up to her expectations as I leave to go get my kids. I curse my old job as I probably drive too fast, trying to make sure I make it to daycare before I get fined for being late.
I want to blame my old job for the time that I was so upset over the new job that I forgot to buckle my youngest into her carseat... or last night when I buckled her in, but forgot to tighten the straps. Im so distracted trying to keep up with the new pace of things, and trying so hard to keep my cool and settle in that I cant keep it under control. Im failing.
I keep wondering what life would be like if I hadnt gotten laid off a second time. But I think part of the problem is I keep thinking back to what it was like before I had my second daughter. And I keep idealizing it. Now it is true that as much as I could be frustrated every day, I would still tell people I really liked my job. The people were great, I loved my boss, I was a supervisor for the first time, I got to work closely with a really good friend who was an incredibly detail oriented and hard worker. The type of person you always want on your team. I had people to sit with at breakfast and lunch, and yeah... my job was to work with the NFL. The day to day grind was tough, but good jobs aren't supposed to be easy. And I thought I was doing a good job. But the reality is things were shifting. If I was there, I wouldnt be working for my favorite boss, and the reality is she is probably so busy that I'd be lucky to even meet with her as a mentor once a month. My programs kept getting cut over and over, and we kept getting forced to downgrade our technology at a company that claimed to be so focused on advancing technology. The final product, if it happened, would be a shell of what it once was. I may have gotten to see it reach the market for the first time, but it wouldnt be what we knew it could.
But I think what hurts is no matter how much that new reality would have been hard, I feel like it wouldnt be harder than where I am now. I am slowly coming up to speed, and hopefully can help, but the environment is really really weird. I have no clue how to figure out if I will be meeting managements expectations, I dont know if I will get a raise, I dont know if I will ever really feel like it is the right place. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and expectations. I'm trying to figure out how I can be happy with what Ive got. Im trying to figure out how to help them succeed and how to be successful myself. Im back to listening to "How to win friends and influence people" and trying to make myself happy with the commute, with the environment, with the culture. I keep telling myself to just try a little harder and maybe I will settle in. But the reality is that I was spoiled before, and its hard to come from that to this. Before they decided I was worthless to their current trajectory, Bose was a pretty ideal job. The underlying culture was a good match, the management training and opportunities was a good growth opportunity for me, the project was high profile and fun, and I saw a long term career there. I dont know if my new place is long term. The longest anyone has been there in my group is 5 years. We keep getting org announcements of people leaving. But maybe I just need to put my head down and dig in. I'll get there right? Time will help the anger subside right?
Yet it still hurts. Every day I drive by my old office... 10 minutes into my 30 minute commute. I try not to look, but my heart sinks every time I dont take the turn. I curse that I have to spend another 40 minutes away from my kids every day. When I panick trying to get out of work at the end of the day, feeling like Im disappointing my new boss, knowing I will never really live up to her expectations as I leave to go get my kids. I curse my old job as I probably drive too fast, trying to make sure I make it to daycare before I get fined for being late.
I want to blame my old job for the time that I was so upset over the new job that I forgot to buckle my youngest into her carseat... or last night when I buckled her in, but forgot to tighten the straps. Im so distracted trying to keep up with the new pace of things, and trying so hard to keep my cool and settle in that I cant keep it under control. Im failing.
I keep wondering what life would be like if I hadnt gotten laid off a second time. But I think part of the problem is I keep thinking back to what it was like before I had my second daughter. And I keep idealizing it. Now it is true that as much as I could be frustrated every day, I would still tell people I really liked my job. The people were great, I loved my boss, I was a supervisor for the first time, I got to work closely with a really good friend who was an incredibly detail oriented and hard worker. The type of person you always want on your team. I had people to sit with at breakfast and lunch, and yeah... my job was to work with the NFL. The day to day grind was tough, but good jobs aren't supposed to be easy. And I thought I was doing a good job. But the reality is things were shifting. If I was there, I wouldnt be working for my favorite boss, and the reality is she is probably so busy that I'd be lucky to even meet with her as a mentor once a month. My programs kept getting cut over and over, and we kept getting forced to downgrade our technology at a company that claimed to be so focused on advancing technology. The final product, if it happened, would be a shell of what it once was. I may have gotten to see it reach the market for the first time, but it wouldnt be what we knew it could.
But I think what hurts is no matter how much that new reality would have been hard, I feel like it wouldnt be harder than where I am now. I am slowly coming up to speed, and hopefully can help, but the environment is really really weird. I have no clue how to figure out if I will be meeting managements expectations, I dont know if I will get a raise, I dont know if I will ever really feel like it is the right place. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and expectations. I'm trying to figure out how I can be happy with what Ive got. Im trying to figure out how to help them succeed and how to be successful myself. Im back to listening to "How to win friends and influence people" and trying to make myself happy with the commute, with the environment, with the culture. I keep telling myself to just try a little harder and maybe I will settle in. But the reality is that I was spoiled before, and its hard to come from that to this. Before they decided I was worthless to their current trajectory, Bose was a pretty ideal job. The underlying culture was a good match, the management training and opportunities was a good growth opportunity for me, the project was high profile and fun, and I saw a long term career there. I dont know if my new place is long term. The longest anyone has been there in my group is 5 years. We keep getting org announcements of people leaving. But maybe I just need to put my head down and dig in. I'll get there right? Time will help the anger subside right?
Monday, March 28, 2016
What are you most proud of?
I got asked this question in one of my interviews, and I forget exactly how it was asked, but it may have been something about engineering or professionally, or maybe "aside from your kids, what are you...", something along those lines.
I paused only a moment, even though I hadn't prepared for it, my response was very much at the front of my mind. It was 1511's first year. That felt like one of my biggest triumph's. Not only had I succeeded in founding a FIRST team, no small feat in itself, I somehow managed to found an incredibly successful one. Now "somehow" makes it sound like an accident... but very little that I do is by accident. I worked incredibly hard to create the partnership between the company and the school, I spent nearly all my free time planning out how we would recruit and prepare the mentors and students, I built a strong team of mentors, and I gathered students and help the team prepare for the year. I set a goal of getting the team to World Championships, and we made it way earlier than I planned - I told the kids, just have fun at the first event, get to know what is going on, we will push for the awards at the second and third so we make sure we get there... especially because there were going to be a ton of Rookies at our event. Well... the enthusiasm that we built was amazing, and the team won it's way to CMP at the very first event! They proceeded to do amazing at the next two as well. And yeah... I'm proud of it!! Its often incredibly hard for me to take credit for it. A lot of it was sort of the right place and the right people at the right time... but there was A LOT of effort put into planning it, so much so that I could write a book on how to do it again. So yeah, I am proud of my part in that. I am proud of the kids, I am proud of the mentors, and I was so shocked, amazed and proud that they won the championship rookie all star award.
That to me is one of my biggest professional accomplishments. Yes it wasn't a paid part of my job, but my employer got a lot out of it. Their name was spread all over the place, and would be for years to come. And most of all, I was able to found something that had longevity, that would have an impact on so many students who needed a program like that. And that impact is what I am proud of. Looking around at my involvement in FIRST, it has been a much bigger impact than anything I have done in my career. Sure I was a part of some great products, some great programs, but none of them that had such a large and lasting impact on people and the world as my involvement in FIRST. And yes, I am most proud of that.
I paused only a moment, even though I hadn't prepared for it, my response was very much at the front of my mind. It was 1511's first year. That felt like one of my biggest triumph's. Not only had I succeeded in founding a FIRST team, no small feat in itself, I somehow managed to found an incredibly successful one. Now "somehow" makes it sound like an accident... but very little that I do is by accident. I worked incredibly hard to create the partnership between the company and the school, I spent nearly all my free time planning out how we would recruit and prepare the mentors and students, I built a strong team of mentors, and I gathered students and help the team prepare for the year. I set a goal of getting the team to World Championships, and we made it way earlier than I planned - I told the kids, just have fun at the first event, get to know what is going on, we will push for the awards at the second and third so we make sure we get there... especially because there were going to be a ton of Rookies at our event. Well... the enthusiasm that we built was amazing, and the team won it's way to CMP at the very first event! They proceeded to do amazing at the next two as well. And yeah... I'm proud of it!! Its often incredibly hard for me to take credit for it. A lot of it was sort of the right place and the right people at the right time... but there was A LOT of effort put into planning it, so much so that I could write a book on how to do it again. So yeah, I am proud of my part in that. I am proud of the kids, I am proud of the mentors, and I was so shocked, amazed and proud that they won the championship rookie all star award.
That to me is one of my biggest professional accomplishments. Yes it wasn't a paid part of my job, but my employer got a lot out of it. Their name was spread all over the place, and would be for years to come. And most of all, I was able to found something that had longevity, that would have an impact on so many students who needed a program like that. And that impact is what I am proud of. Looking around at my involvement in FIRST, it has been a much bigger impact than anything I have done in my career. Sure I was a part of some great products, some great programs, but none of them that had such a large and lasting impact on people and the world as my involvement in FIRST. And yes, I am most proud of that.
Moving on or Moving forward?
Its a rainy morning, and in a week, I will be back to work full time.
Thats a pretty factual statement devoid of emotion. I think as I mentioned, I feel a little tired of this whole thing. Nothing towards my new company. They seem great, and it will be pretty neat to be involved in consumer products that are all over stores and amazon and everyone's houses.
But I still can't shake that I'm annoyed I'm in this position.
Anyways, the reason for the title. This morning I was thinking about two things that have been sort of stuck in my mind. The first is that I had asked my old boss for things I could do to improve. Were there reasons that Bose management chose to toss me out the door, deciding that I wasnt good enough to flex into a different role? Or just things as a PM that I could do better to move forward in my career. Yet she's been really busy, and hasn't been able to get back to me on it. Our schedules haven't lined up for weeks. This weekend I got a note from her saying this week might not be good because she had an interview and then might be traveling. I started to wonder if it was worth just dismissing the whole thing as it stung to hear the words interview. Life is still going on there as much as I wish to hear things aren't the same without me... they are fine. And they are hiring. A lot. It hurts to hear that. So maybe its better to just be done with Bose. I really miss the people there, a lot... but every time I hear of a new job there, or don't hear back from someone because they are so busy, it just feels like another knife cuts into me. So maybe it's time to just move on. Maybe I should cut my losses and not keep trying to figure out how to improve.
An aside: Last week I had to go to an unemployment seminar just to keep getting my unemployment checks for these last couple of weeks. The place that runs the seminars is right on the way to Bose. As I drove there, I got this awful angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking about the people that were still there, the management that gave up on me, it just made me so angry. I'm still not over it. I hope that soon I can just move on.
The other one that's been bugging me is getting turned down for the Mathworks job. I got myself pretty excited about it, as it was something new and different. Looking back, ok it was a step out of my current trajectory, so it was a big risk, taking time off from the path I had built. I would get a chance to work with a couple of friends, and the benefits and perks were great. Maybe it wasn't as much of a fit as I had built it to be in my head, so maybe its not that much of a loss, but its hard to deny that the commute, pay, perks and benefits wouldnt have been worth it. But what is nagging me most is what didnt I have that the candidate they chose did? What did I need on my resume to be the one to get that job? Maybe its mostly because I was so successful in my other interviews, maybe the failure is what bugs me the most, but I feel like I want to know. I could write to one of my friends to find out, I even had him over the other night, but I didnt really get up the courage to ask. So do I want to know? Will it provide some closure? Perhaps... I had asked the recruiter & hiring manager for feedback, but got no answer at all. I'm guessing I could get it from my friend, but Im not sure if it will be helpful? Maybe.
People keep asking me what I really want to be. My best friend asked me yesterday. I dunno. All I know is I want a career where I feel like I am accomplishing something, and I want more than anything to spend time with my kids. My two year old is a giant sponge right now, she learns so much so fast, has grown so empathetic, is a great big sister. My 6 month old just cut two teeth, seemed to start saying dadadadada and just crawled 8 feet last night!! Time with them goes so quick I want my girls to see a mom who is successful, but I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. I like the lifestyle my current career path affords, and I know that I can be good at whatever I choose to work at. So maybe what I want to be really doesn't matter. Maybe I just move on, find something that fits, and keep going. Maybe my life can be a series of stumbling into good things, and perhaps I just focus on my family and the life outside.
Thats a pretty factual statement devoid of emotion. I think as I mentioned, I feel a little tired of this whole thing. Nothing towards my new company. They seem great, and it will be pretty neat to be involved in consumer products that are all over stores and amazon and everyone's houses.
But I still can't shake that I'm annoyed I'm in this position.
Anyways, the reason for the title. This morning I was thinking about two things that have been sort of stuck in my mind. The first is that I had asked my old boss for things I could do to improve. Were there reasons that Bose management chose to toss me out the door, deciding that I wasnt good enough to flex into a different role? Or just things as a PM that I could do better to move forward in my career. Yet she's been really busy, and hasn't been able to get back to me on it. Our schedules haven't lined up for weeks. This weekend I got a note from her saying this week might not be good because she had an interview and then might be traveling. I started to wonder if it was worth just dismissing the whole thing as it stung to hear the words interview. Life is still going on there as much as I wish to hear things aren't the same without me... they are fine. And they are hiring. A lot. It hurts to hear that. So maybe its better to just be done with Bose. I really miss the people there, a lot... but every time I hear of a new job there, or don't hear back from someone because they are so busy, it just feels like another knife cuts into me. So maybe it's time to just move on. Maybe I should cut my losses and not keep trying to figure out how to improve.
An aside: Last week I had to go to an unemployment seminar just to keep getting my unemployment checks for these last couple of weeks. The place that runs the seminars is right on the way to Bose. As I drove there, I got this awful angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking about the people that were still there, the management that gave up on me, it just made me so angry. I'm still not over it. I hope that soon I can just move on.
The other one that's been bugging me is getting turned down for the Mathworks job. I got myself pretty excited about it, as it was something new and different. Looking back, ok it was a step out of my current trajectory, so it was a big risk, taking time off from the path I had built. I would get a chance to work with a couple of friends, and the benefits and perks were great. Maybe it wasn't as much of a fit as I had built it to be in my head, so maybe its not that much of a loss, but its hard to deny that the commute, pay, perks and benefits wouldnt have been worth it. But what is nagging me most is what didnt I have that the candidate they chose did? What did I need on my resume to be the one to get that job? Maybe its mostly because I was so successful in my other interviews, maybe the failure is what bugs me the most, but I feel like I want to know. I could write to one of my friends to find out, I even had him over the other night, but I didnt really get up the courage to ask. So do I want to know? Will it provide some closure? Perhaps... I had asked the recruiter & hiring manager for feedback, but got no answer at all. I'm guessing I could get it from my friend, but Im not sure if it will be helpful? Maybe.
People keep asking me what I really want to be. My best friend asked me yesterday. I dunno. All I know is I want a career where I feel like I am accomplishing something, and I want more than anything to spend time with my kids. My two year old is a giant sponge right now, she learns so much so fast, has grown so empathetic, is a great big sister. My 6 month old just cut two teeth, seemed to start saying dadadadada and just crawled 8 feet last night!! Time with them goes so quick I want my girls to see a mom who is successful, but I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. I like the lifestyle my current career path affords, and I know that I can be good at whatever I choose to work at. So maybe what I want to be really doesn't matter. Maybe I just move on, find something that fits, and keep going. Maybe my life can be a series of stumbling into good things, and perhaps I just focus on my family and the life outside.
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