Well, I survived a year. I'm not really sure how else to put it. I'm under the thumb of a micromanager fighting heartily to get out. I'm not good at playing games. I'm not good at bottling things up. At times I have faulted myself for this. But I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't. I'm starting to think that it is part of who I am, and it's part of what makes me strong. I'm passionate. This passion is not something that is easily hidden. Could I be more eloquent? Sure. Could I learn to play the politics? Sure. But why? Perhaps to be a better upward influencer. I am finding that I am great at influencing my teams. I can get others to rally around me and head in one direction.
For most of this week, I've been questioning what my next step should be. I had updated my resume and piled up a handful of jobs to apply to as well as companies to look at. I started my networking, contacting people who could get me "in", learning about the new roles and thinking about how to tailor my resume and write cover letters.
But as I did that, I started reading some of the "how to find a job you love" links, and I started filling out some of the questionnaires, I started pondering what else I should consider. And as I dug more into the potential roles, I realized that they were less optimal than I thought. The one that sounded like a stretch but doable (Robotics Process Automation), turns out is not really about robotics in the way I was thinking it was - there is no hardware, its all IT/Software type stuff. I became less interested. The one at Bose that I had my eye on turned out to already be filled... I felt a little crushed at this news, but in going back and reading some of the anger I had, perhaps its a good thing. While I may still apply, perhaps I shouldnt go back. It would be somewhat comfortable and it has the overarching culture I'm looking for (flexibility and freedom and trust), but I'm not sure they inspire me as much as they once did. I want to be enthralled, I want to be excited again.
One of the "jobs you love" sites had me thinking back to what I loved in my childhood, and what I really enjoyed the most.
I like people. I like planning and hosting parties. I like helping people grow and develop. I like working with teams and figuring out how to get teams to work. I like mentoring students, engineers and other adults. I like asking questions and helping them figure out answers. I like figuring out what makes people tick.
I like watching people - one of my favorite parts of event photography was capturing moments. That moment the student is lost in thought planning for the next match, the moment of shear elation or frustration at the end of a match, the intense concentration of drivers on the field, the nervous parent in the stands, the adorable little brother cheering his heart out, the introverted kids learning to dance, the safety captain anxiously talking to a Judge, the pit crew fervently trying to fix the broken axel. Those moments are what are so real and raw.
So the more I think... the more I realize longterm I don't belong in the standard corporate world. I feel the urge to become a trainer, a coach, someone who mentors others. Now there are plenty of paths to get there. I could go into Engineering Management for a while and gain more experience as a supervisor, I could take an Education and Development role within an engineering corporation, I could do things more informally as I'm starting to do in my current job, and start reaching out and making connections to Leadership training groups and people. Find ones to emulate, understand their stories and how they got there.
Or I could follow my passions of Art (Photography) and Event planning and try to figure out how to make it in those worlds.
I think at any rate, I need to find a way out of my current job. It's too much stress on a day to day basis. I don't have to LOVE my job, but I'm really tired of hating it. I can't continue like that. And I feel like for now, while the girls are still in daycare, I'd probably be more comfortable playing it safe. But maybe I target 4 years from now, when both are in school, to be planned and ready for a "new life". Hey, I spent more than 6 months planning my college FIRST team before I started it, and nearly a year planning my corporate FIRST team before I started it. 4 years to plan the rest of my life sounds like a good idea.
But in the meantime... I guess I should get back to resume writing....
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