When does the anger subside? Yesterday marked 3 months since I was laid off, but maybe 3.5 since I knew. I have a new job, we've settled into a routine, and things at home are starting to get back to normal. The new job isnt everything I've dreamed of, but I can make it work, and really I should be thankful I found something so quick.
Yet it still hurts. Every day I drive by my old office... 10 minutes into my 30 minute commute. I try not to look, but my heart sinks every time I dont take the turn. I curse that I have to spend another 40 minutes away from my kids every day. When I panick trying to get out of work at the end of the day, feeling like Im disappointing my new boss, knowing I will never really live up to her expectations as I leave to go get my kids. I curse my old job as I probably drive too fast, trying to make sure I make it to daycare before I get fined for being late.
I want to blame my old job for the time that I was so upset over the new job that I forgot to buckle my youngest into her carseat... or last night when I buckled her in, but forgot to tighten the straps. Im so distracted trying to keep up with the new pace of things, and trying so hard to keep my cool and settle in that I cant keep it under control. Im failing.
I keep wondering what life would be like if I hadnt gotten laid off a second time. But I think part of the problem is I keep thinking back to what it was like before I had my second daughter. And I keep idealizing it. Now it is true that as much as I could be frustrated every day, I would still tell people I really liked my job. The people were great, I loved my boss, I was a supervisor for the first time, I got to work closely with a really good friend who was an incredibly detail oriented and hard worker. The type of person you always want on your team. I had people to sit with at breakfast and lunch, and yeah... my job was to work with the NFL. The day to day grind was tough, but good jobs aren't supposed to be easy. And I thought I was doing a good job. But the reality is things were shifting. If I was there, I wouldnt be working for my favorite boss, and the reality is she is probably so busy that I'd be lucky to even meet with her as a mentor once a month. My programs kept getting cut over and over, and we kept getting forced to downgrade our technology at a company that claimed to be so focused on advancing technology. The final product, if it happened, would be a shell of what it once was. I may have gotten to see it reach the market for the first time, but it wouldnt be what we knew it could.
But I think what hurts is no matter how much that new reality would have been hard, I feel like it wouldnt be harder than where I am now. I am slowly coming up to speed, and hopefully can help, but the environment is really really weird. I have no clue how to figure out if I will be meeting managements expectations, I dont know if I will get a raise, I dont know if I will ever really feel like it is the right place. I am trying to reframe my thoughts and expectations. I'm trying to figure out how I can be happy with what Ive got. Im trying to figure out how to help them succeed and how to be successful myself. Im back to listening to "How to win friends and influence people" and trying to make myself happy with the commute, with the environment, with the culture. I keep telling myself to just try a little harder and maybe I will settle in. But the reality is that I was spoiled before, and its hard to come from that to this. Before they decided I was worthless to their current trajectory, Bose was a pretty ideal job. The underlying culture was a good match, the management training and opportunities was a good growth opportunity for me, the project was high profile and fun, and I saw a long term career there. I dont know if my new place is long term. The longest anyone has been there in my group is 5 years. We keep getting org announcements of people leaving. But maybe I just need to put my head down and dig in. I'll get there right? Time will help the anger subside right?
