Are you FREAKING kidding me???
This mantra repeated over and over in my head as I slammed my hands into my steering wheel and hot tears streamed down my cheeks faster than I could shut them out. This really is like a really awful, awful breakup. One that you just cant get away from.
It was hard enough that Im struggling to find happiness at my new job. Management is sucking the life out of me. Everything that holds me back, everything that makes me frustrated with my day, I can look back and say "wow it never would have been that way at my last job". Its harder, knowing that the NFL season is coming up... and a day that I used to look forward to, Im eyeing with a mix of dread and anticipation, knowing that its going to bring back the pain a bit. Part of me hates that something so simple as watching a sport that was once fun, will now be a little bit of a stab over and over.
This evening was a full on rollercoaster. I found out that my old company hired one of our PE's. I knew this PE was changing positions internally, as I knew he was frustrated with management. I could tell he was reasonably smart, but he is not always the best communicator, and struggles in some areas. Nice guy, but not the best PE/PM I've ever worked with. And he just got a job with them. The company that deemed me unworthy of any of their jobs. I started thinking back to all the Koolaid I drank, how Dr. Bose really cared about people as individuals, and how he and management often saw in people what they were capable of, rather than what their resume said. Yet this guy I work with was hired because he had worked with China. A bullet point on his resume. A fucking bullet point. There I said it. Maybe this is why they let me go. I'm too emotional, Im too open. They'd rather someone who doesnt rock the boat. They'd rather someone who doesnt challege or put emotion into their work. I get it. Its oddly something I had worked on and gotten better at, but now I feel like I must be failing and regressing. I blamed my emotion at Bose for the fact that I was pregnant for 9 months of my time there. What an awful time to be making a new impression. I know that Im a good PM, a good decision maker. My former boss told me that, and I can even see it in how Im starting to make decisions in my new job. But that's near impossible to quantify on a resume or in a review or in a list of people that are going to get laid off. Who cares?
And thats what gets me... As my head reeled, and this guy pressed me for "give me some details, what will it be like, what should I watch out for, can I have some pointers". All I could think is WTF? That should be ME, not YOU. As I go back and forth wondering if I could really do it, if I could really go back without feeling like a second class citizen and constantly watching my back, part of me is insanely jealous. The culture that I loved, the job that I enjoyed, the people that I worked with, the boss who was the best in my career... all gone... and he gets to have it. WTF.
I rambled on about their new VP of Engineering... the guy who was once the head of our division... who was amazingly smart and always asked perfect to the point questions... the guy who saw no value in my skills... The guy whom to which I was just a number... just a number, in a culture that was so about people. WTF. Im so mystified. A culture that so cared about its people that it cut a TON of good ones. Shut down its only remaining US manufacturing, exported its US call center, and then sold off the rest of its plants. To the way of the outsourcing they go. Its all about the money, all about the business. They try to say they are about innovation, but they are not. How could they be about innovation and people when all they are are "fast followers" and their people are "just numbers"? Yet I yearn so badly to be back there. I dont know why I guess. I couldnt trust anyone there anymore anyway. But would it be better than where I am?????
Tonight, I threw out my Bose cup... the one I earned in my six sigma class. Think about that... how much time and money did they invest in training me... me a useless number? Shoulda used that money for someone else I guess. The cup was a constant reminder... that stupid last push, I had to finish up a bunch of work for the class after returning from maternity leave. And I finished it even after I found out they were going to lay me off. I walked through the line of management who smiled and shook my hand heartily congratulating me, knowing that they wouldnt have to see my face again in a few weeks. And none of them cared. Even worse, the guy who was my mentor at the start, ignored me at the end. Never really said goodbye, never displayed an ounce of sadness that I was leaving, just gave up on me.
I need to let go. I need to get angry and let go. I need to understand that they are no better than any other business, maybe even worse, as they preach one thing and do another. They've drifted from Dr. Bose's ideals and can't see it. Im not sure Im ready to turn my back on them, but I probably need to give up on going back. They dont want me. They never really did.
