Feedback

It's almost 3am.

Today we received our performance reviews.  I knew it was coming, but no matter how hard I tried, it didn't make it any easier.  I spent the whole morning worrying about it, but then took to trying to read "how to receive a bad performance review".  There were actually a number of great articles, and at one point this morning, I actually felt pretty positive and determined to figure out how to make the meeting go well.

I think the problem was I had focused on the positives.  I feel like I have made a lot of progress over the year, and while it probably shouldn't have taken this long, I finally hit a reasonable stride.  The team seems to be functioning well and we are moving along despite some of the issues that would have frozen us in the past.

As I sat down for the review, my boss covered that overall his group is getting good approval ratings all the way up to the CEO.  And that while there are some things to work on "we'll get there".  He then discussed some of his performance review and some of his plans to improve.  And then gave me my review to read.

Some of it I expected... some of it I was blindsided by.  As I read further and further into the 10+ page document it became clear that their picture of me was bleak.  Ratings all over the place were "basic contributor".  I've never in my entire career seen that rating on one of my reviews.  The 2 out of 5 scale... when 5 is awesome.  I've always received 3-4, sometimes 5.  NEVER a 2.  But here, all over these pages were piles of 2s.

I was told that there was feedback from at least 3 people in there.  I know one of the people was the director of marking... and by her scathing comments, its now confirmed, she doesnt like me.  I struggle with how to react to this.  Part of me thinks she took her impression long ago, and is now just trying to find details in every interaction with me that justify it, and that there is no way for me to ever repair that.  She made the comment that I shouldnt pad my schedules, I should present realistic ones.  The two factors there that are making my head spin is that every 15+ month project has a number of unknowns at the start, and will never run perfectly, so call it padding, buffer or just "scheduled time for the unknown", whatever you want to call it, you can't take it all out that early AND present dates you know you can meet.  I've been ripped into at this company for "slipping" dates, so of course I'd want a little bit of "time for the unknown" in there.  And by the way, the schedule that was in discussion,which I removed the padding from... is now slipping out as I type.  So I struggle with a number of her comments in there.  Part of me sees them and somewhat understands what she's saying, its not untrue, its just a different perspective & perception of how I saw the situations.  Part of me is incredibly frustrated that it is all negative.  I don't know if she will ever be able to see me as capable.  I had the thought to just walk into her office next week and ask her, "How do we start over? How do I change your perception of me?".  I think this would either have a small chance at success, or just completely tank.  Then perhaps the final part of me just wants to walk away.  There is probably very little likelihood of changing her perception.  It took a full year for her to grow this disdain and lack of trust, it would take at least twice as long to erase it I think.

As for the other people, I havent completely figured out who.  I know there is no feedback from the team members I manage - my engineers, designer, ID... none of them were asked for input.  I guess maybe there is some feedback from the China team, but I dont know if that is my bosses interpretation of their perceptions of me, or if it is their actual written perception of me.  It was suggested I sit down and do 360s with a number of people.  For my own sanity, I plan to reach out to everyone I've worked with in the company.  If everyone else's perspective of me is this bleak, perhaps I shouldn't be a PM.

I'll ask:
1. What 1 or 2 things do I do well, that I should keep doing?
2. What 1 or 2 things should I improve upon?
3. What is your overall rating of my performance (1-5)
4. What is your overall opinion of my performance as a PM?

I think the other thing that really really bothers me the most about all of this is that our VP of engineering had to sign off on these reviews.  I've had a number of good discussions with him.  I thought he saw me as a capable PM.  I knew he wanted to see improvement from me, but I thought he'd at least see me as a "successful contributor".  So it hurts that he signed off on this.  I think I'm struggling most with that.  I don't see my boss or the director of marketing as good managers - I feel both of them have had poor training as supervisors and really just don't know how to get the best out of people.

Unfortunately 3/4 the way into my review something flipped.  I had been able to "take it" up until that point.  I just couldnt take 40 minutes of negativity.  The next 20 minutes I fought back tears and anger.  Just begging the clock to say 3pm so I could leave.  It ended late and I walked out the door. I tossed my papers on my desk grabbed my water and ran outside... and bawled.  I kicked myself.  I knew it was coming, I wanted the meeting to go better, but it was so hard to overcome the feeling of not being enough, of not seeing how I could possibly work harder, of not having a clear path towards changing people's minds, of not having had goals for a full year, of not having a clear understanding of the expectations of me.

On one hand, now more than ever I feel this ridiculous stubbornness arising... telling me I am NEVER content to not be good at something.  In my head I go over and over ways to fix each and every single point.  Step by step, how to improve the review for next year.  I know I am making a positive impact on a lot of people there.  I want to sit down with the review, and line by line create a "performance improvement plan" a 30-60-90 plan... And prove to everyone there that I'm strong and capable, let them see who I know I am.

On the other hand, I want to follow my one foot out the door.  This place feels toxic.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to change their opinions.  I know I can't change them, and my boss is just awful to work for.  I can't tell if I'm growing because I'm learning how to work in such an insanely difficult environment, or if I am just failing all over the place, and doomed for continual failure.  I just dont know. The easy road is certainly the one out the door.

All sorts of things swirl through my head... part of me wants to go in on Monday and quit.  Its not worth the stress, the anxiety, the frustration, the huge amount of effort and emotional drain that it takes.  I'm tired of hating my job.  But the uncertainty of that financial picture holds me back.  I like that we can send our kids to a good daycare where they learn and grow so much.  We can't afford that and everything else without my salary.  I know in a pinch we could make it work, but after job hunting with that over my head before, I'm not sure its a place I want to be.

It also makes it hard to believe in myself... to know what path I want to take.  Am I really fit to pursue another job? Or am I going to fail there too?  Maybe I got laid off because these other companies saw what this one did, and just didnt have to articulate it before they let me go.  Doubts like that creep in.  Maybe I need to go back to just being an individual contributor.  Or maybe just working on my own is better.

3:30am is not when I'll solve all this. I really don't know yet where to go from here.  Head down, bite my tongue, bide my time until I can find a new job? Or walk in on Monday super determined, try to fix all my issues, but continue to see if something better is available? Or go in and protest a bit, see if I can show the corruption?  Or maybe some combination of those...? I dont really know.

Honestly, I just want to sleep... I dont know that my head will let me... but Im tired.