Its a rainy morning, and in a week, I will be back to work full time.
Thats a pretty factual statement devoid of emotion. I think as I mentioned, I feel a little tired of this whole thing. Nothing towards my new company. They seem great, and it will be pretty neat to be involved in consumer products that are all over stores and amazon and everyone's houses.
But I still can't shake that I'm annoyed I'm in this position.
Anyways, the reason for the title. This morning I was thinking about two things that have been sort of stuck in my mind. The first is that I had asked my old boss for things I could do to improve. Were there reasons that Bose management chose to toss me out the door, deciding that I wasnt good enough to flex into a different role? Or just things as a PM that I could do better to move forward in my career. Yet she's been really busy, and hasn't been able to get back to me on it. Our schedules haven't lined up for weeks. This weekend I got a note from her saying this week might not be good because she had an interview and then might be traveling. I started to wonder if it was worth just dismissing the whole thing as it stung to hear the words interview. Life is still going on there as much as I wish to hear things aren't the same without me... they are fine. And they are hiring. A lot. It hurts to hear that. So maybe its better to just be done with Bose. I really miss the people there, a lot... but every time I hear of a new job there, or don't hear back from someone because they are so busy, it just feels like another knife cuts into me. So maybe it's time to just move on. Maybe I should cut my losses and not keep trying to figure out how to improve.
An aside: Last week I had to go to an unemployment seminar just to keep getting my unemployment checks for these last couple of weeks. The place that runs the seminars is right on the way to Bose. As I drove there, I got this awful angry feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thinking about the people that were still there, the management that gave up on me, it just made me so angry. I'm still not over it. I hope that soon I can just move on.
The other one that's been bugging me is getting turned down for the Mathworks job. I got myself pretty excited about it, as it was something new and different. Looking back, ok it was a step out of my current trajectory, so it was a big risk, taking time off from the path I had built. I would get a chance to work with a couple of friends, and the benefits and perks were great. Maybe it wasn't as much of a fit as I had built it to be in my head, so maybe its not that much of a loss, but its hard to deny that the commute, pay, perks and benefits wouldnt have been worth it. But what is nagging me most is what didnt I have that the candidate they chose did? What did I need on my resume to be the one to get that job? Maybe its mostly because I was so successful in my other interviews, maybe the failure is what bugs me the most, but I feel like I want to know. I could write to one of my friends to find out, I even had him over the other night, but I didnt really get up the courage to ask. So do I want to know? Will it provide some closure? Perhaps... I had asked the recruiter & hiring manager for feedback, but got no answer at all. I'm guessing I could get it from my friend, but Im not sure if it will be helpful? Maybe.
People keep asking me what I really want to be. My best friend asked me yesterday. I dunno. All I know is I want a career where I feel like I am accomplishing something, and I want more than anything to spend time with my kids. My two year old is a giant sponge right now, she learns so much so fast, has grown so empathetic, is a great big sister. My 6 month old just cut two teeth, seemed to start saying dadadadada and just crawled 8 feet last night!! Time with them goes so quick I want my girls to see a mom who is successful, but I want to be able to spend as much time with them as I can. I like the lifestyle my current career path affords, and I know that I can be good at whatever I choose to work at. So maybe what I want to be really doesn't matter. Maybe I just move on, find something that fits, and keep going. Maybe my life can be a series of stumbling into good things, and perhaps I just focus on my family and the life outside.
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