Hmm... where to begin?
So 2 weeks ago, I experienced my second layoff in less than 3 years. I find myself back in the job pool searching, hunting, and trying to decide what I really want to do with myself.
The good news is most days I am incredibly self confident. I know I have a really strong skillset. I know that my passion and drive can get me most anything I want. I've founded robotics teams on this passion, I've gotten jobs on this passion, I've run events on this passion. I can get incredibly invested and excited about anything I sink my teeth into, and then I can often get others to believe in me.
But Im still reeling a bit... I still feel smacked upside the head by my layoff from Bose. I drank gallons of their koolaid, and I'm still desperately trying to throw it all up so I can move on. When I joined I ate up their recruiting process... they only hired people that were very very much a fit. I loved their orientation processes - they spent a day inducting you, another day giving you tours of all of the groups and awesome technologies, another day sending you on a scavenger hunt of crazy cool things around the company, and managers gave you super detailed checklists of all of the things you should do for the first month or two. I checked every box, I got involved in helping run the scavenger hunts, I even hired an employee into my group to work for me. The vision and mission of the company were so in line with everything I thought I wanted. I wanted to make a career there. I found myself daydreaming about where I would be in 5 or 10 or 20 years there.
As I dug into the job, I took it on with every fiber of my being. Not only was it a really high profile project, it was challenging, it was something I hadnt done before and really needed to put in the effort to learn and ramp up. But I had a phenomenal manager who supported me, answered all my questions, and gave me confidence to move forward. I started up two programs, one as a refurbishment and color of the current headset, and one for a great technology revision of the headset I was managing. Even when the scope was chopped by management, I still believed in it, I still pushed to get it to new markets, I still did everything I could to make it successful. I found ways to use their process, I found ways to work around their process, I got to know people who could help, I incessantly begged for resources. I planned and replanned and backup planned.
In the middle of all of this I found out I was pregnant. It was a bit of a shock. We had wanted 2 kids, but didnt really think it would be so soon. In my overplanning of my life, I had figured I would finish my major program that I was hired for, and then have my second child. But things happened sooner than expected. So I found myself in the middle of my big program, setting it up to run while I was on maternity leave. I spent tons of time coming up with lists of tasks I was working on, I spent time getting the PM who would replace me up to speed, I spent time writing up issues of things to come... all so my program could run for 2-3 months while I was gone.
Then I gave birth to our second beautiful baby girl. It was 2 weeks early, but I had even managed to sort of plan for that. The Friday I left, I had wrapped up most everything.
Fast forward a few months. I returned part time (2days per week) when my second was 2 months old. I HATED sending her to daycare so young, but it seemed like the right thing to do. I could make sure I was paid the entire time, get paid for my holidays, and I could make sure my program stayed on track. After the holidays, I jumped back in full time. Another sort of difficult transition, it was constantly exhausting... two kids waking up at all odd hours, trying to function full time at work, but I was trying to give myself some room and get back in the swing of things.
And then it happened. The email. An email, seemingly innocent that upper management was going to send someone on a trip for my program... and they hadn't even talked to me about it. A trip that would be my first trip since my second child. I read between the lines, and soon realized that I was going to be part of the next round of layoffs. I was absolutely crushed. I loved my program, I loved my job, I loved my manager, I loved working for Bose. The koolaid suddenly became bitter. For the next 2.5 weeks I had to PRETEND that I knew nothing. I had to pretend to care... all while panicking inside.
I think I put up a good front. I loved my program so much that I continued to set it up for success. Admittedly, as the other PM tried to transition stuff back to me, I resisted a bit, instead laying out plans for its future. Trying to make sure the details would be covered once again when I was gone. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was all I could do to stay sane. To pretend to many like all was still ok, while I sobbed my way home nearly every night, sometimes crying myself to sleep. To make matters worse, I also figured out that they were likely laying off my employee... my friend.
So many awful questions ran through my head:
- What had I done to be the bottom of the barrel? Was my persistence difficult to work with?
- Should I have said I wanted the other job that I might have had the option for when I was hired?
- Why did I drag my friend into this??
- Had I done too good a job of setting up the other PM to run the program while I was gone? made it look like it was easy so that anyone could run it in my place?
- Why hadnt I done more to broadcast my & my employee's successes??
- Who had made the decision? It was done while I was on maternity leave wasnt it...
Eventually it happened. That day we took it in stride. I cried a little, but we said goodbye, packed up our stuff and headed to the bar with some coworkers. We celebrated what had been and made those still there swear to try to keep our program alive. It was the next night that wrecked me. The questions above and so so many scenarios... did they lie to me? raced through my head over and over. I became angry.
I forced myself in the middle of this to blearily update my resume and get it up online. I figured it would take forever... Id start the process again and it would be weeks of hunting and applying. Within a day of posting, I had recruiters calling and emailing me left and right. It was overwhelming. I couldnt keep up with the leads. A good problem to have you might say... and I know I shouldnt complain. But I find myself with too many more questions...
- What do I want to be now?
- What does this look like on my resume? Laid off twice, are companies going to start to think there's a reason related to me? is there??
- How do I just find something that is stable? Ive now worked for both big and small companies that were hiring/growing, and both laid me off. How do I not get laid off again??
- Can I find something that allows me to keep my family first? reasonable commute, etc?
So here I am... wondering what to do with myself. Several interviews lined up, trying to figure out if its my fake passion or a real passion for any of them... wondering if I know what I really want to do... wondering what is going to be good for my career... what will be good for my resume... what will be good for me & my family... and I am not sure I know how to find the answers. But hopefully soon I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up..........
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